Something about 30
I guess there’s something about being 30 that’s life changing. I am not certain what it is. On my 30th birthday, I didn’t feel any different from being 29. I felt the same. I was told that I would get “it” when I turned 30. That things would click for me. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to “get.” I knew that the meaning of life wouldn’t be revealed to me. I was sure that I would wake up in the career I’ve dreamt for myself.
But as 30 started to continue and the year started to progress, I started to feel different. My thoughts changed first. The way I made my decisions seemed more logical rather than just feeling something in my gut and going with it. I started to listen to my inner voice more. I always said that being alone was the most therapeutic way of growing up. It gave me the chance to understand who I was and what I wanted. However, it was lonely as hell. But I learned a long time ago to listen to my voice more. After being in a relationship, you start to hear everything except your own voice. But as soon as I started listening again, I started to understand everything.
Then my look changed. I went from a fatter version of myself to a thin version. Then my hair changed.
First, my twists came and I enjoyed having long hair again. Having longer hair gave me a lot of freedom and confidence. I don’t care how many people claim that their hair doesn’t make or break them. I can seriously look at those people and call them liars. If hair didn’t make a person, hair wouldn’t be a billion dollar business, The truth is, people judge you according to your looks, and hair is usually the first thing we use to judge others.
After adding twists, I tried locs. When locs worked for me, I stuck to it. It was a decision that I was happy about. Afterwards, Locos started to become a trend. I saw that I was really growing into myself. I was starting to become someone I had dreamt of being. I didn’t start to recognized that I was transforming until, I saw that I had less tolerance with being around people. I was okay with being alone. I felt okay with not going out with people or spending time with people just because I wanted some companionship. I’d become sensitive to energy and became very cautious about the people I’d let into my presence.
Then recently, something else happened. I started getting moody. So, I am sitting here trying to figure out what this new found moodiness is. Is it the Focalin XR? It can’t be, I never felt this way on these meds before. But it is Gemini season, and my birthday is here. Christina and I were just talking about reasons why I might have had it with some people.
I am frustrated by the lack of communication between myself and others. To explain it, I’d just say, I am communicating and it seems like no one is listening or they just aren’t speaking effectively., For example, yesterday I let Lionel have it for not communicating clearly and for not listening. I also yelled at him for acting like his mother, which is just not attractive. When Lionel starts to act a certain way, I am used to brushing it off. Last, night, I couldn’t brush it off. I found it inexcusable. I wanted to choke him. I pride myself with being educated, and I often frown upon ignorance. Ignorance comes in many forms. I cannot respect ignorance that comes with someone not wanting to learn or better themselves. So I have no respect for Lionels’ mother or her ignorance and find myself disgusted by her. So when he started acting like her, I became very disgusted with him. I couldn’t bring myself to feel attracted to him for the rest of the evening.
Someone should have warned me that my 30’s would be filled with self-discovery and not the art of “getting it.” I feel as if I am getting tired of it and everyone else. But It is an eye-opening experience. I am starting to grow tired of people and the same routines. I places and people getting old and tired. I have grown bored. Someone should have told me that relationships with people wouldn’t be enough and that my goals would change. Recently, I’ve imagined living in another state, or moving to another country. I’ve thought about traveling around the world for work or just to see the rest of the world. I have fantasized about changing my name and deleting my social media pages so that I can go missing and start over. Start a new life as someone else. The thought of starting over and creating new relationships and meeting new friends is exciting. I can make lip the story of my new life. I could virtually be whomever I want to be. Nothing about my past life would exist.
Someone should have prepared me that I’d want more than this.
Here I am. 31 years old! I feel no different. Other than this feeling of wanting to cut my hair and get rid of my cat. But I think those feelings will pass. I know that I am possibly in my feelings because I will soon be old and haggard like Katy Perry and that’s a scary feeling and image… Like have you seen her lately?