I am overthinking this as usual. I look at a word and I feel as if a story is supposed to pop out at me. Then nothing comes, just a bunch of thoughts that I feel makes no sense to me at all. So I write until it all makes sense to me. I wait for the words to give me their own story. It's on the screen just developing as my thoughts pour out.
When I was younger, I was able to sit and write everything I wanted. I'd sit at my desk and say, "I want to write about heartbreak!" Then the words would just come. Same thing with sex, drugs and being happy. I was such a dick when I was younger, I faked happiness more than I faked my sense of security and self-worth and no one ever knew it. I always seemed so sure of myself but I was faking everything until I made sense of everything.
I used to belong to a group of gay friends… they ruined me. They ruined my reputation because I was different and didn't want to drink and do drugs. Because I grew up and they refused to. It fucked up the way I used to view myself. Now I feel like a trapped soul who enjoys staying in the house and not getting to know others. I fake relationships with others because friendship looks like perfect harmony until someone gets pissed off at you for something stupid.
Is this harmony? Are these words harmonizing?
Thinking of the word "harmonize" puts me back in choir with OABC and singing with Briss.
One memory in particular comes to mind. I was singing with Ashley and Jazzy rehearsing "Keep the Faith" by Faith Evans. I always liked the way our voices would blend together. Ashley had a soprano voice that complimented Jazzys strong alto range. My tenor voice seemed to be maturing at that time. But our harmonies were always great.
Something about that time makes me so sick to my stomach and happy at the same time. I was never one to care about what people thought of me, as a teenager, you kind of care less. As a teenager, You're growing and trying to figure out life and in church, you have a bunch of clueless adults trying to yell their way of life at you.
Church was never my safe place, it was the place I felt more victimized and villianized other than school. But singing in the choir was fun at times, then it started to feel more like a job and I hated it. Singing with Briss was fun, and I realized that it is really hard to have a close relationship with someone I am sort of working with.
This lesson has spilled into my adult life. Most of the relationships I've had with people have been spoiled due to another sort of relationship we had. I try to keep my coworkers just coworkers. I really like the small circle of people around me. This usually consists of 3 people daily. We don't work together, we aren't trying to develop a business together. Although, Christina has ideas to turn me into a brand, it hasn't really turned our relationship into complete shit. Besides we've been through that already and survival means more than disagreements. I think.
Fuck…. I am really fucked up in the head, aren't I? This is some sick shit to just be spilling from my head.
I guess this whole writing until you see something you can turn into something good might work. I'd be lying if I said that I've edited this. As you see this piece of shit entry is how it is flowing from my brain… it's become something.