I don’t like complaining. This is weird coming from me, my entire blog is sort of based on complaining about life and being depressed. But in essence, I hate complaining. I don’t even care to vent about my day sometimes because I feel that it comes off as complaining. All the same, I try not to complain about anything.

With that being said, I hate working in public health. I remember wanting to work in public health because I thought it would be great to give back to my community… Then I grew up. The ignorance I’ve encountered within the community is sometimes depressing. It sometimes eats away at me. But I understand that some people just didn’t try in life, and I understand that some people tried and got beaten down by life.

As I was looking at different prompts trying to figure out what  I should write about to cure my writers block, “Dormant” was the first thing that popped up.  Lionel looked at the word and said,

“Isn’t that like world or like seasons or something?’ I laughed and said.

“Ummm. No. It’s like when something has slowed down, or stopped growing.” I said.

“Like fungus?” He asked.

“Like our relationship.” I laughed on the inside. He continued to analyze and speak about the word.

“Can you not give me your thoughts? I need to think about what I think about this word.” Lionel smiled and laid down on the bed. He grabbed his phone and started playing his video games.

Here he goes with these fucking games. I thought.

While testing for HIV in my office, I often have to do a risk-reduction session. In this session, I usually talk to the client about their sexual practices and ways that they can be safe from infections. Part of this session focuses on what the client may already know about HIV/AIDS and the ways that it is contracted. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to sit in front of people of color and hear them say that HIV is a “gay mans thing.” It is unnerving to think that these people aren’t at risk, but the statistics show otherwise.

“Ain’t it dormant in our system any?” They’ve all asked this question.

I ALSO HATE HEARING THE TERM “FULL-BLOWN AIDS.” There is no such thing as full-blown AIDS and HIV does not stay dormant in your body. The issue is, people choose to believe that HIV is a gay mans virus and that heterosexuals are not at risk. This perspective has cause a lot of heterosexuals in the black community to deny that they are at risk and refuse to be tested. It is normal that some people who have denied themselves to test for HIV, to catch the virus last a latent stage. This does not mean that this person cannot receive treatment. This just means that the treatment they receive is to boost their CD4 count and immune. ‘

“But Eazy-E died of full-blown AIDS.” Eazy-E walked around sick for years refusing to see a doctor. HIV was not dormant, he was simply ignorant and didn’t see a doctor.

AIDS happens with a deteriorating immune system.  Understand, that  years ago during the widespread of HIV/AIDS. HIV wasn’t a reported condition. There was no way for doctors or scientists to track the condition or how it spreads. It wasn’t until the disease was studied that HIV as a virus became reportable. Eazy-E died of AIDS related illness due to his immune system failing.

Why am I writing about this? This was what came to my head while looking at this word. And a relationship that is not growing. I feel that Stalemate may be a better term for a relationship that is slowly dying. Or maybe Dormant works better. I have no idea.

Maybe dormant is the best way to describe my relationship with what I am doing and the community I work in.

I work in Newark, New Jersey. Regardless what people say about the place developing into a Mecca of some sorts. There is poverty everywhere. I walk down the streets of Newark and I watch druggies nearly falling over because they are so high on whatever it is they’ve taken. Corner to corner I am bombarded with people begging for money. I am approached by people who want to sell me things; stolen stuff, drugs, socks, etc. But Newark, has become a town of the walking dead. My co-workers and I have named Newark “Zombieland.” These people surely do exist, but they aren’t living. They are simply dormant. They don’t really progress, They slowly die and it is so sad to watch.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Donte says:

    This was amazing and so raw and honest. I feel the same way about our community it’s a Eerie feeling being the ones who see it for what it is. But yet not apart of it completely and people look at us as different because we are not like them. It’s sad that our education system has failed so many this pushes a lot of black gays to date other races to find equal balance in a relationship. We don’t fit in anywhere it seems

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks babe. And yes, it sucks that we are “different” because we choose to live and not just exist.. You have done so well for yourself and I am proud that you see the community for what it is.. Keep pushing forward.


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