Mentally Ignorant!!! (I want to be normal)

I promise this isn’t a post where I try to figure out the fascination people have with me…

I would like you guys to imagine something. Imagine you had a tic in your throat so you started to clear your throat.  For some unknown reason, that tic won’t go away so you continue to grunt and clear your throat until it is finally gone.  Imagine the frustration and how uncomfortable it might be..

Now imagine another scenario. Imagine you are speaking with a friend and the subject turns to transgenders. I don’t know why it does, but we are just pretending it does.. so you say “Transgender people are cool!” Maybe you messed up that sentence a little so you repeat it….

“Transgender people are cool!”

Shit, maybe you messed up again, and so you repeat the sentence trying to correct yourself.

“Transgender people are cool!”

Okay, how about this time you try to say it again until it sounds just right to you, but this time you try to repeat it over and over again until it feels and sounds right…

“Transgender people are cool!”

This time kinda sorta under your breath.

“Transgender people are cool!”

Annoying right??? This is how it feels to have OCD. The difference is, the tic in your throat never goes away. It stays there forever. And no matter how hard you try, you will never stop repeating shit under your breath. This will make the people you love, very uncomfortable.

This is the Real OCD! Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental disorder that comes in many forms. Many people confuse being organized with OCD but these people are wrong. OCD is a disabling mental disorder that can paralyze the person who has it. OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive PERSONALITY Disorder is the perfect organizational bullshit that ignorant people who refuses to pick up a fucking book….(STOP) I digress!!!! (Breathe)  OCPD is what those people have.

OCD has a way of presenting itself in many forms. Whether it’s tics and motor issues, or intrusive thoughts. Understand that everyone is different, yet their issues with OCD are the same. I’ve learned this by talking to people who also suffer with the disorder.

As I write this, understand that I have started and stopped writing this post about 40 times… why? Because my OCD wouldn’t allow me the mental state to finish this. The voices in my head are always saying,

“hey, you may offend someone.”

Or

“That doesn’t sound right, repeat it out loud!” Or my favorite,

“That’s just not good enough, start over!”

Why am I writing this? I want people to understand something that is really killing me on the inside. I have an extreme case of OCD. Recently, I’ve tried to keep a lot of it bottled up and not say much about it.  And yes; I have started and stopped writing this over a span of three days. Within the last few hours, I’ve eaten,  showered and watched Sailor Moon. The point is; my mental state has been taken over by something that I thought that I can control.

This leads me to MY ignorance.

In a earlier post, I wrote about how I always think that I have contracted HIV. I know this sounds ignorant to some, but wait… understand that I am educated on how HIV is transmitted. Understand that I also work with an organization that happens to be the largest disease prevention org in New Jersey. Also, understand that I am an HIV counselor and tester. I am very aware on the facts. But OCD has a way of making you believe that everything you think, or know is a lie.

So, I cannot catch a cold without thinking that I am in the Acute infection stage. I cannot get a fever without believing that something is really wrong with me. Most of my hospital visits were due to anxiety where I believed that my body made itself sick.

I would like to finally be honest about everything that I am going through. I remember these lyrics from Anna Nalick…

 “2am and I’m still awake writing a song/if I get it all down on paper/ it’s no longer inside of me/threatening the life it belongs to/ 

What she sings next is just as hunting, because I feel the same way. I will let you go searching for those lyrics.

I wake up every morning in tears forcing myself out of bed. There’s a cloud of doubt that surrounds me. Within that cloud is depression, anger, and resentment. I resent myself. Why can’t I be normal?

I am constantly self-diagnosing myself with HIV. Last year, I thought I had a Pulmonary Embolism, because Tamar Braxton had one. I was suffering from recurring bouts with bronchitis that wouldn’t go away.

Right now,  I’ve seem to have contracted a small flu-like virus after leaving the gym sweaty. I know that it’s nothing major because I went to get tested today. It hasn’t stopped the thoughts.

My disorder, goes against my knowledge and my trainings all the time. It makes me feel ugly and weird. It fills me with doubt about any abilities I thought I had. It has ruined my thought process completely. The only thing that I can say that OCD has done for me is, its has given me something to write about.

It’s lonely! I distance myself from people because I am such a fucking freak show at times. Then I feel like such an ass for being lonely. I was telling a friend that I think that the thoughts are going to kill me or that the thoughts are killing me. They are!

I’m scared. I wanted to write something positive here. My mind continues to tell me that my blog deserves a success story, so I don’t write anything. But if I could be completely honest with you, like I have always tried to be. This is killing me. I just want to be normal… I want to see my dreams come true. I want to have a happy ending and live up to my full potential. I don’t want to cry over these aching thoughts and tics that have controlled my life. I don’t want to feel like a freak show and continue to distance myself. I just want to be normal.

J

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