“You look sad!” My eyes gazed up into the rear view mirror. The driver was looking at me sitting, arms folded in the back seat. He continued to look at me and looking at the road. “Long day?” He questioned me.
“I guess!” I said. Try long week. Better yet, long month and recasting year! I couldn’t totally pin-point where I ended up unhappy, I knew that I was unsatisfied.
“You seem mad! I’ve never seen you mad!” I looked up again. I’ve been in this car before. I looked around. “I’ve driven you several times and you’re usually cheerful, so what happened?” Jose has driven me almost 15 times. He usually picks me up from my house in the morning when I am headed to work. I give him 5 stars and rave about how he opens the door for me when I’m getting in and out of his car. Tonight, he realized that I wasn’t myself because he knows me.
“I didn’t even realize it was you Jose!” I said. “I’m sorry!” I said
“So what’s wrong?” He asked! It always surprised me how everyone was a psych while looking through their rear view mirror. I had nothing to say. I woke up one day and started questioning myself. I started to access my job, my career, school, friends and family. “Well let me asks you how your holiday was!” Jose broke my thoughts.
“It wasn’t bad! I stayed in bed and watched TV.” I said. “My family is in Florida and I’m too sick to fly right now!” I said. I drifted into thought! “You?”
“I spent it with my wife. She and my sister made dinner for the family. It was lovely!” He said. “Did you get any presents?” I laughed.
“You can’t buy anything for someone who has everything!” I said. “Seems to be the recurring theme in my life.”
Uber to Uber. Drivers seems to look through me. They try to read me. I used to be a bubbly passenger and engage in conversation with my drivers. Now, I am so worn out that I barely speak. I usually just gaze out of the window and watch people, cars and objects pass by. Stuck in thought or empty with thought I’d let the objects fill me.
“What is this?” I’d think.
“Do you need a reason to be depressed?” Jonathan asked. “Isn’t that how depression works?” Jonathan is my coworker. A few months ago, he admitted to feeling depressed to me and we shared an open dialogue that is hard to forget. I wanted to tell him that it will get better, but I wasn’t sure because we all fight our sadness.
My depression doesn’t come from being unhappy. I don’t think I’m unhappy. I’m not sure what I am. I am employed and I am loved. My relationship is stronger now and I have friends who actually care about me. I am in a good place with Edwin, finally. But still, there has got to be a reason why I’d rather stay in bed listening to Carol Kings’ “So Far Away” on repeat and sob uncontrollably. But doesn’t everybody?
Exhaustion sets in…
“Why are you avoiding me?” Dr. Gajera asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked. I was sitting in front of him and I thought we were having a good time talking about me being an asshole!
“You’re a spiffing eye contact! What’s up with you?” He asked. I wasn’t doing it on purpose and if he hadn’t said it I probably wouldn’t have noticed it.
“I am sorry! I didn’t notice that I was. Maybe it’s because I’m sleepy!” I said.
“Have you been sleeping?” He asked. He was so fucking cute!
“Yes! But I feel like it’s never enough. I wake up everyday feeling as though I’ve only slept for two minutes!”
“We seem to go through this a lot!” He said. “Your energy level goes up and down and that’s not healthy. Are you seeing a Primary yet?” He asked.
“I am not! It’s so hard to find a doctor. It took me a year of horrible doctors to find you!” I laughed. “I don’t have time to go through that with a primary!”
When I left Dr.Gajera, I called another Uber to take me home. I was too exhausted to wait for a bus or light rail from Hoboken. I could have just walked home, but that would have taken the energy I didn’t want.
This time an older white male who was driving a white Mercedes picked me up. I fell in love with the car as soon as I saw it. I got into the car and melted in the leather seats. After the short exchange of verifying that I was in the correct car. We took off. I looked out of the window.
“Are you okay?” The driver asked.
“I am great!” I said. “How are you?”
“It’s a great day!” He started “The weather is great and it’s a busy day!” I looked at my app to get his name. “Lenny”
“That’s great! It’s usually busy here after 6pm.” I said enjoying the feel of the car.
“It’s going to be busier as these Hoboken kids start getting drunk!” Lenny laughed! “Are you going out tonight?” He asked! I wanted to go out. I would love to go to a bar or lounge and get a drink. But that meant that I’d have to play with my hair, shower, find clothes to wear and spend an hour doing makeup. The whole entire process was draining to think about. When someone invites me out I am secretly wishing that they cancel on me. Then I can go back to my bed and Scandal re-runs!
“I would, but I just want to sleep!”