I couldn’t let this week go by without writing… This week served as a very emotional week for me, plagued with depression, anger and a lot of resentment. I promise this isn’t a sad post. I’ve spent this week in constant ruminating… My life, my troubles. My success, my spirals. Yet, at the end of this week, I was met with some answers without finding any peace..
Let it be known that I love the life that I have participated in building. “Participated” I choose the word “participated” because it’s how we counselors describe action. When I am writing notes on a client, I usually use the word “participated” to show that the client is present and that they are constantly showing up to work on their lives. To be clear, some people have different levels of participation and as someone who counsels and listens, my job is to encourage all levels.
So, I believe that it is time to encourage my level of participation. I am showing up. I am constantly working together with the voices and spirits inside of me to make my life better, along side of the demons, (spiritual and physical) in my life.
My life hasn’t been easy. In reflection… I have learned that no one has an easy life and because I know this I digress from explaining or going into that detail in this post. Only, I will require the thought that it wasn’t easy and explain that my harsh life hasn’t made me a victim… Yet!
So here we are! I am 30 years of age. I am employed, educated, high flying adored and low-bonded and hated. Yet, I am still here. I am not supposed to be. Statistics says, people like me, and where I come from should have died already. Statistics show that people like me, should be in jail, on drugs, or in the system.. And maybe I would be had I not people investing in me…
I am not lucky, by far… I am blessed. I know this. I celebrate this. But I am an investment and a liability.. I will explain.
As humans, we need love and companionship. This is true. So, sometimes our hearts want something that we know can be bad for us. Toxic relationships can mess up our minds and our abilities to make wise decisions. I make decisions with my heart, and sometimes my decisions aren’t logical. This makes me a liability to my investors.
(Follow me and I will bless you)
Facebook is a Fortune 500 company now.. When Mark Zuckerberg decided to make an mobile app, it was a decision that went against a lot of the advice of his team and investors. So when the app launched to significant problems and bugs. Users accordingly started to boycott usage of the app. Same with Facebook messenger. This made Facebook a liability to investors because people wanted to pull out of their investment with Facebook. However, after the team went in, adding new features and fixing the problems of these apps, users became happy with the company. Investors made money and we’re happy with their growing product…
That’s my life! To be personal and honest with you. I am not made of money. Nope. I onlylook as put together as people say I am, because I have a team behind me… I would like my followers to remember how I used to look. My look has revolved over the past few years. None of this is possible without my investors. But none of these people would have taken a chance on me without me taking a chance and believing in myself…
Every single person who has helped and backed me up just to get me back on my feet has invested in the picture I have created.
Whether it was Yosuel giving me a job at a restaurant to entertain his people.
Evelyn making sure that I had gotten a job and helping my with some bills.
Akish giving me amazing words of encouragement.
Tyree loving me… And offering me guidance.
Christina knowing who I was when I was a teenager.
Lionel making sure the person I saw in my dreams could materialize physically.
These people loved me because I loved me. I respected who I am and I decided to realize that I was not supposed to be where I was. Homeless, broke and barely surviving.
Here’s how I am a liability.. When I decide to let toxic people into my life, and I have to try to help fix their lives, my mind stops. I become someone who is emotionally drained and focused on helping that person. It is very hard to help someone when you are not strong enough to help yourself. It is hard for your investors to invest and help you when you are trying to help someone who is toxic to that investment. Understand…. Anyone in your life who dedicates time, money, faith in your well-being is an investor and has made an investment in your life… It is irresponsible for you to take their time and faith in you and do nothing with it… I know this now… BTW, you cannot be mad when your investor pulls out of your failing product…. (You guys are awfully quiet in these pews on this beautiful Sunday!)
My biggest misfortune is that I am driven to succeed because I want more. Hence, I want everyone around me to succeed. However!!!! I have time and time again committed the biggest sin of the hood.. I “sold out” or left friends behind.
There is this idea and misconception in urban areas that success is selling your soul. To be considered “loyal” is to stay where you are and to constantly enable those who refuse to do better. But once you decide to do more and find better, you are considered “fake” “ungeniune” (which is not a word.. But I was called that last night by someone I grew up with, let’s use it for now… ) I am thought to be these things because I’ve decided, as a grown man and an investment to those who love me; not to surround myself with toxic people. Is that fake?
No. It is self-preservation. Some people aren’t worth fighting or fighting for. Either way, your life and future is in jeopardy. Unfortunately, I have met a lot of people who’d rather be where they are instead of being more and living up to their potential… I cannot be around those people. I cannot and will not support them. I can cheer for you, but I will cheer from a vast distance.
This month, started with death threats. Where as, I’ve gotten threats before.. Years ago. Two different people were behind them. I’d like to believe those people have moved on. But if we know anything about history, we know it repeats itself. Not blaming these people. But I only know a handful of people who are so petty to make others miserable because they are miserable. However, this unknown person could be anyone. Because of this, I have notified my friends of it and it was with their advice that I lay low for a while.
I never thought of myself as anyone special. I never thought of myself as the beautiful, gorgeous person that people identified me as. I hate my smile. I hate my nose. My weight fluctuates. I had my issues with myself… But I am not unfortunate looking. I don’t believe that I am special at all. I do believe that my heart is special. My heart has carried me my whole entire life. My hope for more and my faith that things get better has made impossible things possible. I still believe things work out fine when love leads the way.
However, logically… I have to be smart. I have to be calculated. Love me or hate me.. I am still human. I have wants, needs and I have feelings.
My need for more surpasses any disposable relationship I’ve had. Disposable relationships have no foundation. As you grow older, you grow apart from people you once loved. Things happen and it tarnished the foundation and trust you had in a person. Truth is, I tried to regain trust in someone who has said and done things to hurt me. And I forgave, but the trust has never resurfaced. Because of that and other actions, I pulled back. Due to recent events, I am happy that I made that decision. Friendships based on respect never escalates in disrespect. With that being said, the questions I had earlier this week about reaching out and reviving a friendship I buried in my last post, has been answered.. It makes no sense to keep a person alive without the necessary brain activity. That’s all I’m saying. The only well wishing I can wish a dead relationship is to rest well in peace.
Today, I am resting.. Today I am making plans. Today I am taking care of myself and seeking the necessary treatment I need to continue progressing. Living with mental illness and addiction is a huge barrier in my relationships with people. Although, my addiction isn’t drug related. It is still a barrier and has stunted my growth and potential. Knowing these things and seeing it through the eyes of the people around it is one thing, Seeing yourself in the actions of someone else is another thing. I left a gathering awake to a lot of what Christina was trying to convey to me.. My depression and anger is a huge barrier with others.. I want to be better for myself and the people who love me.. To those people.. I love you all!