This is Manic

Let’s talk about mania… Let’s talk about this weekend. I had no idea that what I was going through this weekend was a cry for help until just now… As in, just a few moments ago when I realized that I was annoying the fuck out of Lionel and I seriously forgot why… What I know is this weekend was just a crazy and depressed weekend and I have forgotten most of it..image

Seriously, Christina had to remind me of what happened Friday night, because I had forgotten most of it. Okay, I forgot pretty much all of it!!! Here’s what I know, I splurged a lot on drinks, food and clothes this weekend. Here’s what else I know, I’ve acted in some weird ways. I’ve seen some text messages that I wish I could take back, and some that I am standing by. The issue is, most of what happened this weekend was a long time coming.

Let me catch you guys up in case you’re just joining in. I am a man living with bipolar disorder. I have suffered with mental illness for most of my life. I have done a great job acting like it hasn’t completely taken over my life, but it has taken over my life. Sometimes I am embarrassed by it. Sometimes I wish that I can stop the way I act to certain things, but I cannot. It bugs me that I seem to be the only one I know who seems to be going through something.

I have been saying for months that I am exhausted and that I needed a break from things. It’s all true. But I continue to throw myself into new projects hoping to complete most of them…. But, well… Sometimes I lost interests in it.

There are a lot of things going on right now and I have no idea how to deal with it. My thoughts aren’t completely together Right now, so please bare with me, because I have no idea where this is going.

I am currently not in treatment due to the fact that the doctor i was seeing is no longer covered under my insurance. So I’ve been trying to just make it as well as I can, but I am failing. Or I’ve failed.
It is so frustrating to admit that I’ve failed something, but I did. And I am so sad.
When I came in Friday night, I cried for almost two hours straight until I fell asleep. I should have known then that something was wrong.. My problem wasn’t just about JoNathan.. It was everyone and everything… And the sadness and behavior continued on with the shopping spree on Saturday and Sunday. Then finally tonight and I had to stop and realize that something was wrong.. Something wasn’t right.
This knot in my chest was panic, these thoughts, this everything.. It was something else and I had no idea what to do about it.. And I am scared. I am in the darkness place I have ever been in…. And I have no way of getting out of it..

I just need to clear my head or get away. Or do something… But I need to feel better and I don’t. And I don’t know how to feel better…


6 Comments Add yours

  1. youngplum says:

    Okay. I don’t see NEARLY enough writing about mental health, and ESPECIALLY mental health dealing with Black and Brown people, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I’m obviously new to this page, so thanks for the mid-catch up thing you did in this post….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading and welcome to my blog… Please get lost and catch up. You’re right, there aren’t enough people talking about mental health, and there aren’t enough black and brown people talking either. I want to start a conversation and that is why I blog!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. youngplum says:

        Yes, absolutely! And I will do. I’m pretttttttty uncool, so I usually dedicate my evenings to reading through blogs and drinking bottles of wine as alone as possible….I’m trying my hardest to explore other blogs by gay black and brown men. Is there a community of us on wordpress? Any other blogs you’ve found?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There are some… But I only find them by doing a Google search. That usually helps me find blogs…. I’d like to meet some in the nyc area

        Liked by 1 person

      3. youngplum says:

        I’m in and out of NYC too frequently for my own comfort, always enjoy meeting a new face every time I’m there. You’ll know if I’m in your neck of the woods.


      4. If you’re ever around… Let me know…. Drinks will be had!!!

        Liked by 1 person

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