Happy Belated Birthday to me!!! 

I’m 30… Goodbye 20s!!!
First, I’d like to thank everyone on Facebook for their wishes. I am 30 now, and it feels good knowing that I am no longer in my 20s. The struggles from that decade are now over! I am grateful for all of it. I’ve spent my 20s looking for love and companionship. I’ve searched for friendship. I’ve searched for myself and I’ve found that I am so much better off where I am. 

As I’ve grown up, I’ve found that the best relationship in the world, is the one you have with yourself, every other after that can just be a bonus. Sometimes relationships are a waste of time, depending on your outlook. Here it stands, I no longer believe that my relationships with others were a waste of my time. They have taught me so much and have provided me the strength I have now. I know myself more. I love myself more and I understand now more than ever what I want. 
Depression, self-hate, anxiety… It all sucks. It’s all worst on a person like myself. Someone who craves creativity and freedom of expression. The doubt that goes on in the my mind has worked against me in many ways until now. 
I no longer seek approval from others, as I’ve built my own life. I no longer chase others because my attention span is pretty short. I no longer care about what others think of me because I get off on being alone and worrying about what I think of myself. 
I told Darrell that I would one day write an open letter to everyone almost confessing my sins and apologizing for everything I have ever done to break relationships. But I have nothing to apologize for. If I had the chance to relive some things in my life and smooth over my mistakes, I would never. If I had the chance to make things right with the people I’ve lost, I wouldn’t. 
I’ve learned a lot and I love the outcome of the lessons I’ve learned. 

The truth is, I’m a grown ass man who have raised himself. I’ve made my own life. I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even to the people who “love” me. The only opinion I have learned that truly counts, is the one I have of myself. Everyday I am living for me. 
I suffered a crazy bout with depression and writers block. The writers block was a result of me having too much to say and feeling as though I could not write about it. I started this blog exposing my vulnerability and it almost made me resent myself. I became too afraid of what the naysayers would say after reading about what I was really going through. Everyone who believes that I am happy, are waiting for a moment when I am not to say, “Ha! I knew it!” 

But that’s what happens when you decide to expose your heart to others. With my writers block, I became so depressed with what I needed to say, but I couldn’t. 
My breakthrough came when I read a post that my friend Timmy posted a small blog. It was short and liberating
The ugly side to life is that no one truly cheers for you, they are waiting to see you fail. It’s something that I’ve lived with. I would like the freedom to write that I want to slap Lionel everyday with out people talking about the relationship. I’d like to post that I hate my job without people thinking that I am ready to quit. 
I love Lionel, he gets on my nerves and there are days when we don’t speak to each other.. That lasts a couple of hours. There are days when I yell at him for being inconsiderate and a big child. But I fell in love with him because he is a big kid. I didn’t know that would be something I’d get sick of. But I had to realize that my problem wasn’t Lionel. I was my problem. I’ve changed a lot. I’m in a different place in my life. I have a new job that’s far more demanding, I have a lot of personal responsibility and sometimes the big kid in him gets on my nerves. But that’s because I have changed, not him. 
Before you end a relationship calling the faults of your partner, try to figure out whether or not if you’re the one at fault.. 
Goodnight! Thanks for the love and support… 
P.S… I will still write an open letter!!!

One Comment Add yours

  1. Darell Grant says:

    First off my name has one R and two L’s you stupid piece of shit! I don’t “love” u dahling, I LOVE you and appreciate knowing you and being able to call u a friend! I’m happy that u understand that you don’t owe a fuckin soul anything! Live for who is staring back at you in the mirror…yea that photogenic bitch! U are amazing, awesome and braze. I respect you and like i told you before, u inspire me! What happens with you and lionel is between you and lionel and me, your family, others, who the fuck ever, may have opinions….fuck the opinions. Figure out what is best for you. Btw u are so right about people being ready to say, “i knew they weren’t really happy!”, FUCK THOSE MISERABLE ASS PEOPLE. And remember you’re a fuckin plastic and they are who they are! You win! I truly love you! Feel better dahling. We are lambily!


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