Mood Stabilizers


Tonight is going to be a simple post. I am pretty certain that no one reads this blog anymore so I feel safe posting this little bit of news… So right now I am crying. I’m crying because I feel vulnerable. I feel like a failure and a fake. It really sucks because I feel as if I am still complaining about life, but the truth is, I just want to enjoy life and not feel like a worthless bastard who doesn’t deserve to be happy. 

So a coworker has been helping me get into care with a new Psyche, just until my insurance switches over and I can continue care with Dr. Gajera. My coworker and I have been doing this, sneaking around the office keeping this a secret, but it’s out now… Well not really. 

So the psyche told me that it’s time for me to try mood stabilizers. Mood stabilizers are for people with mood disorders like Bipolar Disorder… Like, me! I refused mood stabilizers before because I didn’t want to feel like a zombie or feel like they were taking over my life. I still need to feel like I am in some sort of control of my life.. 

I voiced my concern with the psyche and told her about my need to feel in control. She completely understood and said, “this is exactly why you need to be on mood stabilizers.” She mentioned how my mood changed a few times within the time we spoke and my need for control. She told me that it would be hard to find balance. 

To be clear. I do not care about taking meds. It’s not the best form of treatment,  I was okay last year with Zoloft and Focalin, which is why I turned down a mood stabilizer in the first place. But with the juggling of my schedule, balancing personal and professional life and other issues I choose not to talk about… I am a mess… 

Part of this is probably because I have absolutely no one to talk to about any of this.. So I keep it inside… 

Anyway… I have to get up early… I’m nervous about taking the meds… I will wait two weeks… 

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