It’s been a while since I have posted. I have had a horrible case of writers block, again. I am not certain why I am having this blocks so often. Maybe I haven’t been inspired. But the the truth is, I have been living my life. A lot has happened since the last time I posted so I will quickly fill you in and get back to storytelling soon.
HIV/AIDS and Activism
I have a new role since leaving The Vitamin Shoppe and Cosi. I started working with the Hyacinth AIDS Foundation as a Testing and Linkage navigator. I pretty much test people for HIV and find them resources for care. The job is something that I have always wanted to do. I used to get tested at different clinics to asks the navigators about their experiences in the position. I would always hear the same answer,
“After your first few positives, it is pretty easy.”
I haven’t started testing yet, but I have been traveling a lot. Part of my job is to do outreach. Outreach is when we go out to the community and for testing events or try to get people to come into the office to use our services. So far, we have been pretty successful. The weirdest part of my job is traveling to work from our different office locations or going to different trainings. I wake up everyday to travel to a different city. It is a little exhausting and I haven’t gotten used to the weird hours yet. But I cannot complain. I love it. I love being busy. It is fulfilling to know that I am doing something and making a difference.
Then there is the other part of my job. The Public Relations side. I became the PR for our Testing crew. Through social media and other outlets, I have to get our clinic and services some exposure. That part of my job is hard work, but it can be fun at times. I have found success in gaining some exposure. I have come to realize that my passion for my job has made it easier to walk in to work and execute everything that I have been asked to do.
I am grateful because Lionel has been really supportive of me these last few months. He, Christina and Darrell has been pretty cool while I have been stressed and depressed. Believe me, it is the worst thing in the world to have everything that you have ever wanted and still be depressed. But it is possible for that to be the case. I have had some really bad days.
I have had an off and on battle with pneumonia and bronchitis for months. But when I started this job, I had gotten really sick. I wasn’t sure if my body as breaking down because it needed to rest from the traveling or the fact that I am always busy with work, school and taking care of my friends and household. My body decided to fully break down and I had a major meltdown last week. Then finally, I came home last Friday and slept. Lionel said that I slept for 13 hours straight. Monday, I went to work and my co-worker said that I didn’t look pale anymore and my voice didn’t sound as weak anymore. In fact, I was actually able to speak and sing for once after sleeping. So I totally get why Mariah Carey has bad vocal days now.
I have always wanted stability. I never had that growing up. I never had a lot of things that most people had growing up. I never had or felt love the way that most people get to experience. I never had a stable place to live or a bed to sleep in. I have those things now. I have a stable bank account and a roof over my head. Someone actually loves me. I have a job that I don’t mind waking up early in the morning to go to. That is pretty amazing.
I don’t want to do a long ass post tonight because I must really get ready for bed soon. But I wanted to finally write about something. I have finally found the answer to a question that I asked a while ago on this blog. The question is, “What does that mean?” In reference to “Because you are Justice.”
For years, I have pondered what sets me apart from other people. I have wondered why am I so different than others and what makes me so special. Why is it that so many people have placed me on a pedestal and why has it been so hard to shake my “Diva” persona, no matter how far I have tried to run from it ? The answer is, “Because I am Justice Muthafucking Monroe.” To a lot of people, that is a big deal because for a long time, I made sure that others knew that I was a big deal. I never said it, but I had the confidence in my walk. My presence alone, demanded attention without me having to utter a word. Justice is a diva. And If you didn’t know it before I walked into a room, you was most certain to find out as soon as I gave you a side-eye.
For a long time, I had forgotten who the fuck I was. Sorry, I had forgotten who the fuck I am. This diva thing didn’t start over night. It was a title that followed me since I was a freshman in high school and carried on even today. Do I believe that I am a Diva? Do I believe that everything about me is fabulous and people are right to make me seem like a big deal? No I don’t believe that I am a diva and I do not think of myself as a big deal. But, I am happily accepting that I have no control over how people perceive me. To tell the truth, I used to have a huge problem with how people viewed me. I was once a prisoner to others thoughts of me. I am not a prisoner anymore. Actually I am free now. I used to let things bother me, but nothing bothers me.
I have gained some weight due to being ill and stress eating. But I am still the shit. It is embarrassing sometimes that I cannot fit some of my clothes, but I am still an awesome guy with a lot of awesome love for everyone.
All in all, I have found a balance and an answer to what makes me different. My confidence makes me a diva. Being humbled makes me approachable. Taking chances and not conforming to rules with my style has made me stylish. My personality has made me loved and hated. But I am different because I was born to stand out. I wasn’t born to be the same as everyone else. I am not a man or a woman that is willing to wear what everyone else is wearing. I refuse to act like everyone else. I refuse to let others define me.
On another note, I have lost a few friends recently and that’s life. We had a great season together.
That’s it! I have to go to sleep..