Losing my Fear

Zofties,

I guess it’s safe to say that it has been a while since I have written. A lot has happened since the last time I had written anything to you guys. First, I want to say that I am doing well. I have been struggling with a horrid disease called Writers blockage. Writers block has gotten the best of me when I didn’t think that I would have to worry about these things. I am so used to being able to sit down, listen to Fred Hammond and watch the thoughts pour onto a page. That hasn’t been so easy.

Can we talk??? I really want to fill you in on some things… IMG_9349

Losing My Religion

So lately, I have been feeling a lot of guilt with religion. To be honest, I have felt like an absolute traitor. There is an inner conflict with me converting to Judaism and leaving my Christianity behind. I struggle with that decision everyday. I am not certain why it has been such a huge thing for me, other than the fact that I have been a Christian most of my life. It hasn’t been a rewarding experience; actually Christianity  has been very traumatic for me. I used to believe that my gift of writing, came from God. I thought that my writers block was a punishment from God. Since I was no longer connecting to God as a Christian, I thought that I was being punished. I felt guilty and I wasn’t able to listen to gospel.

I was raised on gospel music. Long before I even knew who God or Jesus was, I listened to gospel music. It wasn’t until I joined a church, as a child that I realized that I was singing about some dude in heaven. But gospel music was always a source of motivation and strength for me. Jewish people don’t listen to songs about Jesus. I realized that giving up Christianity meant that I was giving up gospel music.

Lionel is Jewish, and he doesn’t listen to gospel music. Actually, Lionel doesn’t really listen to music. So when he’s not around, I would sneak and listen to Fred Hammond and feel so guilty. “I am the worst fake Jew ever.I should go back to being a fake Christian.” 

I remember having a discussion with Lionel about Christmas and having a Christmas tree. I told him that I didn’t want one and that I never celebrated the holiday anyway. Lionel said that his mother still had a Christmas tree and they celebrated Christmas and Chanukkah . I told him about my connection with gospel music and we both decided that it wasn’t a bad idea to stop listening. to gospel music. So little by little, I was able to listen to Fred’s voice without feeling guilty.

I’m obviously listening to Fred Hammond right now.

Losing My Relationships

For the last few months, the people around me had been going through a lot of IMG_9492relationship issues. Christina, David, Alex, Glen, Erika, and the list goes on. My friend Kim is going through a divorce. Lionel and I were new to the word, even if we weren’t new to each other. It was really hard to be happy about my new engagement while everyone else was going through hell. When Lionel and I decided to get rings to solidify our love and the fact that we wanted to get married, I was happy. Actually I was overjoyed. I had never exchanged rings with anyone before and I was happy that someone thought that I was worthy of a ring. But my excitement lasted every bit of half of a day.

While going through the motions of getting rings, Christina was going through a bitter storm.

“We can’t tell her.” I told Lionel, “it’s not the time.” I said.

“She’ll be happy for you.” Lionel smiled.

“You don’t know her like I know her” I said. “Let’s  just refrain from mentioning it.” I said.

Then out of nowhere, Glen informed me that he was still going through a brutal issue with his situation with Alton. Erika was going through things with her boyfriend Matt. Alex was being used by a girl who didn’t love him and took his amazingness for granted. I sat on the phone at times in front of my friends and listened to them pour their hearts out. Glen cried in my arms. Alex has a meltdown and Christina was a 2015 Mariah Carey vocal. It was so hard to stay happy.

I started to resent everyone and Lionel. I had gotten to a place where I stopped answering the phone. I needed to think without everyone else issues in my head. I started to take it out on Lionel when he was the innocent one in all of this.

To deal with everything that was going on, I stopped talking and answering the phone for a week. I needed time to really think and hear my own thoughts. I needed to remember the reasons why I decided to be with Lionel in the first place.

 

Love in a Hopeless Place; Losing my PrideIMG_9608

Everyone always asks me about how Lionel and I met. I never really answer the question because it really a story for he and I to share. I guess that is the Jackson in me, I started to keep a lot of things about my life private. My relationship with Lionel was something that I decided that I wanted to protect very early on. I will not go into every detail of how Lionel and I got serious. But here is some of the story and how I decided I wanted to be with him.

When Lionel and I met, we were pretty much just friends. I was lonely.Christina was pretty much occupied with Melvyn and some loser she was friends with. I was busy working and trying to keep a roof over my head. So when I met Lionel, I was in the middle of my depressive seclusion. He probably wasn’t as depressed, but he wasn’t totally happy.

When Lionel and I began a sexual relationship; I opened my fat mouth and told him that he was still free to see whomever he wanted and that I would continue seeing whomever I wanted. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with anyone. I was going through too much trying to survive. At this time, I did my best not to catch feelings for him, he and I were still friends who could talk about almost anything.Actually, when he and I had sex at night, I would leave in the middle of the night and go home and deal with reality of my situation. I was still broke.

One night on one of our walks, a couple I knew rode past us. I wasn’t ready to explain my relationship with Lionel, so I told them that he was my neighbor. Not sure if they bought it at first. But Lionel and I were spending time together and I enjoyed being with him. None of my friends knew about him at all. I told Christina that I was sleeping with five different people at the time and she believed it.

But I fell in love with Lionel one day when we were at my place watching “Sex and the City.” This was around the time that people were convincing me to move to Florida. I almost considered it. I gave my job notice and let them know that I will be moving to Florida. Then I had gotten some news that made me think twice about moving.  I will not go into that right now… Also, I really didn’t want to tell Lionel that I was moving to Florida because I was really had  feelings for  him. Then something amazing happened 

One night while Lionel and I were at his placed, I climbed in his bed while he was playing his computer games and I fell asleep. When Lionel was done playing his online tournament, he woke me up and we had sex. It was the first time we’d both said “I love you.” I slept over that night. I knew that I wasn’t moving and that I wanted to be with him. The date was August 26.2015. Lionel stopped calling me for three weeks.I was heartbroken.

I tried to fill my time. In that time, there came a clingy Asian and an Angry Haitian. But I wanted Lionel. Every night, I’d lay in bed texting him hoping he’d answer. One day, he messaged me out of the blue.I knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted him. First step was admitting it to Christina, that was the hardest part of all of this. admitting that I was in love with someone.

Losing “The Type”

I was a bit scared, because Christina would notice that Lionel was not like anyone I had ever dated before. Some time during my seclusion, I started to realize that I was attracted to hairy, thick ,white men. When I met Lionel, he was everything I jerked off to while watching PornHub. Had I not spent time a lone for months, and realized that I needed to rid myself of the notion that I had to date a black man, I would have never found love.

I had become a slave to the gay relationship goal memes and hashtags online. I was so used to seeing black gay couples online , not interracial couples. The world is in the middle of a huge race war and I had heard comments about me dating white men before. Believe me, I tried to date black guys. I tried the whole online/app dating thing. It isn’t my thing. I am no ones type. I am fat, I am borderline feminine. I am pretty much everything that a Black and Latin man does not to date.

When I finally let go of the fact that I was being rejected by my own race, it made me chase what I have always wanted and that was a white man. I have a huge nerd, ginger thick cub/ bear fetish. I’ve always wanted to marry a hairy white man who’d fuck me in a sling every night. Now, I will.Lionel accepts me, fat and thin. He loves me, barefaced and made up. He doesn’t care if I have a curly Afro or curly hair extensions. He only cares that I love him as much as he loves me… And I do. I love him so much.

It hasn’t been easy. This relationship has been hard in many ways, but it’s doing well. I never knew how much baggage I had from past relationships until I decided that Lionel and I would share a home. Trust me, having someone in my home everyday has been an adjustment, but it was the most amazing adjustment coming home and knowing that the man I love is here. Yes, I love Lionel.  I love Lionel more than I had ever thought I would love him. We never expected to be with each other. It wasn’t love at first site. But It’s working, so we shall see what happens….

IMG_9655

Justice

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Darell Grant says:

    Ur so annoying…don’t change

    Like

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