Dear Me!!! Why aren’t you happy?

Dear Justice, 
It’s been a long time I’ve spoken to you. I don’t even remember the last time we’ve seen each other. I just wanted to talk to you about a few things that I have been thinking about lately. 

You haven’t been sleeping lately and you have been binge eating. These bad habits have not been good for your body. Justice, this is supposed to be the happiest time in your life. There’s so much to be happy about. I am well aware of the stressors and triggers in your life at this time. Justice you have forgotten about the great things.
I know you haven’t forgotten where we’ve come from. If you need a reminder, read a newspaper. Or better yet, cross 139 and  keep walking pass Communipaw and visit. Scary, right? You’re not there anymore. Enjoy the time you have left here because it will end. It would suck to look back and regret not letting yourself enjoy your first REAL home all because of your struggles 
You’ve come a long way. You grew up poor. You were mostly overlooked as a child. You were Bullied in school for being too fat, too gay, not black enough, and ugly. No one wanted to be your friend. You were never invited out to a party or a sleep over. No one wanted to sit next to you on the school bus during field trips. You were always picked last in gym. Then you started getting notes from your doctor excusing you from gym? 
You’ve had friends turn on you. Sell you out and talk horribly about you. You’ve had people use you. You’ve jumped from one bad relationship to the next. You’ve been homeless most of your life. 
But all of that is over now. You are doing well. You are living in your own and taking care of yourself. Your family is gone and that’s a great thing, because you aren’t the one to blame for their issues anymore. You are completely out of the picture. Your bullies are on drugs, in jail, dead or the same place you left them after you left high school! You are with a man… Who wants to marry you and he even gave you a ring.. A real diamond ring…. Instead of telling people you’re engaged, you’ve been able to pass this off as a “promise ring.” I understand that you love your privacy. I understand that you are trying not to make a big fuss over things, but why can’t you be happy for yourself? 
So why are you still unhappy? 
Sometimes I just want to shake you until you come to your senses… This is the best time in your life… 

Keith… 💋

Dear Keith, 

Forgive me for keeping my distance for a while. It’s been a crazy year. I haven’t had time to sit down and speak to you about everything going on lately. I’ve been so busy working and trying to do this whole school thing. I know that you are all about the emotions and making sure that we are all good, but we’ve got bills to pay. 

We’ve been sick and gaining and losing weight. The stress of it is a lot to take in. It is my business to get us up and continue to move when our bodies do not feel like it can. This is my job, to be strong for you and to continually keep you in check. The binge eating is a way of coping. The crazy diets is to throw off the eating. I am not happy. I guess I’m supposed to be. Others are acting like they are happy for me. It sounds like bullshit through text message. On the other end, I imagine the whispers. 

Why am I not happy? 

Give me a reason to be happy.

Let me remind you that we have been through all of this before. We’ve been happy, but happy only lasts a season.  

We’ve been in relationships. We’ve been engaged. We’ve been so in love that we were able to act like the person we were in love with wasn’t cheating on us, or beating us up. 
I thoroughly understand if you want to join in with everyone around you and cheer and celebrate in their happiness for you, but while you’re cheering, understand that reality hurts. You are surrounded by friends who are going through relationship issues. One of  your friends just filed for divorce. Another caught his lover cheating, and the other filed a domestic violence case against her partner… And you’re happy? You should be running for your life. 

Do you not remember how it feels to fake it until it’s over? How it felt to feel trapped, suffocating until someone decided to give you air? Do you remember the scars and wounds? Are you ready for any of that again?  I am so scared for you. I’ve done all that I can to protect you and I am certainly scared for your heart. How will you rebound from this if it doesn’t work out? How will you feel? 

Oh!!! But wait… But you have a ring! And that makes everything better? You have a big diamond ring and that’s supposed to keep you happy and warm? But where is he? 
I will be happy for you when this time feels different. I have things to do. I have to be strong for you just in case your world comes tumbling down… Again! 

Justice. ❤️


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