Friday evening was beautiful. The sun was still shining brightly at 4 pm. The wind wasn’t as chilly as it had been the day before. I wasn’t freezing my ass off the way I was the day before.
I made my way to Hoboken for my session with Dr. Gajera. Work had been stressful as hell. I hadn’t had a session with Dr. G. In a long time. Things came up with me and the job that completely took the focus off of anything else.
Walking into the building, was like the feeling of walking into church. You knew that you were sinning before you go there, and it was now time to face the music.
I walked into the office where I saw the siren of an office manager, Katrina. Katrina was a sexy Latina woman whom I loved as soon as I met her.. It doesn’t hurt that she remembered my voice after one session with Dr. Gajera.
I called once to see if he was in the office.
“Is this Justice?” She asked.
“Yeah!” I said, how did you know?”
“It’s really hard to forget your voice!” She said.
Today, she was happy to see me. The office was pretty quiet and Katrina was training a new intern. “It’s been too long.” Katrina said.
“I know!” I smiled, “I’m sorry!” I told her how great she looked. She was glowing, the new life she was carrying added so much extra to her beauty. Her honey blonde hair was shined. Her skin glowed and was flawless.
“You look great.” She said. We continued to speak and gossip until Dr. Gajera walked out into the office. Every time I see this guy, he looks happy and shocked to see me. His eyed widened as a smile appeared.
“Hey!” Dr. Gajera smiled! “you ready?” He asked.
“Are you ready?” I quipped. He waved his hand as to let me know to come into his office. I waved to the girls and proceeded to follow Dr. G into his office. He wasted no time today, as it has been almost two months since the last time we met.
“So, you are leaving your job.” He said. I gave him a nod. “How do you feel?” He asked.
“I don’t feel okay about it.” I said sitting into my favorite leather chair. “It is like the ending to a relationship. I’m happy and sad about it.”
“Are you having second thoughts?” He asked.
“Yes and no.” I said. I wasn’t thinking about staying at my job. I was almost 30 years old and I really needed to focus on what I really wanted to do with my life. “There are certain things that I wish I could have worked out. Other than the salary, which kept me fro doing anything. I wish that some things could have worked out there.” I said.
Days prior to my session, I was questioning if there were anything that I could have done to change the way things ended. If anything about my working relationship could have be worked out, I would have been opened to a few ideas. The options that I was given, weren’t really options.
“Do you feel like you overreacted to the accident?” I quickly responded.
“No I didn’t! If I didn’t stand up for myself, they would have continued to harass me.” I said. “It would have continued to be a hostile environment.” I said. “I would have continued to be written up for things I never did. I would have continued to be bullied by my director.”
“So why aren’t you happy?” Dr. G asked. Again, his notepad was missing. Instead, he was listening with his left leg folded across the other. He was relaxed and smiling ear to ear. He started to enjoy our conversations.
“I am leaving a job with no real source of income.” I said. “But I am afraid of losing the relationships that actually mean something to me.” I said. “I already feel like a few of those bridges have been broken. ”
“Has anyone made you feel like they wouldn’t be around after you left?”
“Yep!” I said smiling, “but I am used to it.”
Dr. Gajera shifted a little in his chair. Short answers were a signaled to changed gears a little. I usually gave a short answer when I did not want to elaborate on something. “Are you scared of starting over?”
“No!” I laughed. “It seems weird, but I have been starting over every year of my life since I was 10 years old.” I said.
I explained how my sister and I grew up never really knowing stability. We moved around a lot because my parents weren’t fully equip to raise us. As a teenager, I never really had a stable place to live. It wasn’t until I got my own apartment that I knew what it felt like to have a my own bed.
Christina brings up a great point every time I speak to her. She always says that everything that I learned about being an adult,being a man, a business man, etc. I learned all of these things on my own. I learned how to survive and provide for myself on my own. She then goes on to say that she would not be able to live on her own and take care of her self the way I have managed to do so. Although I believe that she would do just fine. I learned how to manage alone.
“There are these two songs that I have been playing on repeat for the last couple of days.” I said. The songs were Christina Aguilera’s “Cruz” and Janet Jackson’s “Well Traveled”
“Wherever life takes me/I’m willing to go/ Whatever it takes from me/I’ma let it all go/ -Janet Jackson
I guess I can’t be afraid of starting over because I have had to start over
so many times that It feels normal for me. I’ve always thought of myself as a gypsy whose heart desired to find a home. But whatever life throws at me I have no choice but to just go with it. Whatever it decides to takes from me, I am willing to just let it go. I have lost everything before and now that I understand that it is apart of life, I feel okay with knowing that I will lose things and have to rebuild. It will kill me.
“I’m leaving today/ I’m living it /I’m leaving it to change/ But somehow I’ll miss it/ I think I’ll really miss it/”-Christina Aguilera.
Love and War
Fifteen minutes into our conversation, Dr. G and I were laughing talking about my relationships with men. “You have to train them to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s a two-way street.” I said. “Sometimes it takes a lifetime to know someone because you are always changing.”
“How are things going with Lionel?” He asked. I must have shot him a warning look. “Do you not want to talk about it?” He asked with caution.
“It’s cool!” I said. “It is a learning experience.”
“Are you guys friends or are you still seeing him?” He asked.
“I don’t really go over the specifics of the relationship because I don’t like to talk about it.” I recently posted pictures of Lionel and I on my social media pages. My friends liked the pictures, but I was asked if he and I are a couple and a slew of other questions. “I am not ready to answer the question because I am not ready to define our relationship other than friendship.” I said.
“Do you want to be with him?” Dr. Gajera asked. “I’m not saying that he isn’t my boyfriend and I am not saying that he is. I am saying that right now, we do not feel the pressure that most people feel in relationships.” I explained, Lionel and I started off as friends and it is really important to me that regardless of anything that we remain friends. He and I are sleeping with each other, but I am not down his throat 24/7/
“I don’t want another Tiger situation, where I am not sure if he and I are even friends.”
“When was the last time you spoke to Tiger?” Dr. G asked.
“He came to my house a month ago because he needed help with something.” I said. “Then we spoke after that because I had an emotional night and we exchange messages. He calmed me down a lot.”
“So you guys are friends?” Dr. Gajera asked. I paused for a moment and he waited for my answer. “I’m not sure what we are!” I said. “If Tiger calls me for help, I will jump and try to figure out how to help him. But I don’t think he considers me a friend.”
“Why do you still speak to him?”
“Because I still love him.” The other day, I was leaving work. It was my last day there and it was emotional. I was with Christina in Hoboken when Tiger called me. He needed help with something. The first thing that I did was pick up the phone and call everyone I could think of to help me help him. I wasn’t in the area to help him in time. But my friends Christina and David made me stop calling around for help.
“If you needed help, would he go through this trouble for you?” Christina asked. “Let it go, you cannot save everybody.”
David echoed Christina’s thoughts. “She’s right! He has friends… Where is he when you have problems?” He had a point. I think.
But it went deeper. I still cared for him.
When Tiger and I first started getting to know each other, I was broken and he was broken. I didn’t have any friends at the time. I lost all of them in my last break-up. Christina and I weren’t speaking. But Tiger and I were friends. we shared secrets and we were close. He and I would stay up until 4 am on the phone talking about everything. The first time we kissed, my heart exploded. I was in disbelief that it had even happened.
I remind myself that there is still a chance that he and I could be friends again like we once were. I don’t care if there is a relationship, I miss the friendship.
“Have you ever told him how you felt?” Dr. Gajera asked.
“Once, but then we stopped talking for almost two years.” Every time I tell Tiger how I feel, he runs. He comes back, but then he runs again. Sometimes, I think he only comes back because he needs something from me. I don’t think that it’s genuine. “I convinced myself that it’s better than not hearing from him at all.”
Leaving Things Unclear
“What are you going to do about income?” Dr. Gajera asked.
“I still have a part-time job.” I said. “I am so focused on writing and growing my blog. I’ve been doing a lot of planning for that. That’s my priority.”
“How will you pay your rent?” He asked.
“My rent is paid up until January.” I said. “Yes, it would be great to have more help, but I think that I am going to be fine.”
Leaving the office, Dr. Gajera write me a few prescriptions for me to fill when I need them. I thanked him and headed back to my apartment.
I was so unsure of what I wanted in the following days. I thought about putting a stop to my leave and staying at my job, but then I had gotten an email from a reader about how much my blog meant to her.. I knew then that my choice to leave my job had been a great choice. It was a decision that scared the fuck out of me, but I am so glad that it’s given me the bravery and freedom to do what I love….
Write my truth..