I never want to write a post where I feel as though I know more than anyone else. It is never my goal to come off as if I’ve acquired all of the knowledge of someone who has lived centuries and have seen everything the world has had to offer. All of my knowledge has come from my life experiences and with these experiences, I share my own personal growth.
With all of this mentioned. I want to dive into a few things… Yes, this will be another long post… This is a warning for those who do not like to read.
Resting my body
In my last post, I wrote about how I ignored the signs that my body was exhausted. Believe me, there were so many signs. My hair started to become really brittle and I was losing so much of my hair in my shower. There would be hair all over the shower wall and down the drain every morning. My skin started to dry out. I was always cranky and sleepy. My anger started to get the best of me and every conversation that I had with someone started to become a bitter argument.
The signs were there, but I ignored them, until I got really sick and I was forced to rest for a couple of days. I hate being in bed. I hate having to stay in one place for hours. I hate sitting for long periods of time. Staying in one place for a long period makes me anxious. For example; when I go shopping for clothes, I have about a good five minutes before I get really bored and annoyed. Once that thrill is over, I am on to the next store.
So when I came down with Pneumonia, it was a scary time for me. My body had finally given up on me. My body had broken down and I wasn’t able to fight it. The down side to being exhausted and wanting to do everything to make my life better, is the hopelessness you feel when you have no other choice to sit back and rest. I had to stop answering my phone for a while and really relax without “friends and family” in my ear. I found it alarming when I literally posted on Facebook that I was sick, but I still had “friends” who called me because they wanted something from me and not sending me warm wishes. Needless to say, I haven’t called those people since getting better.
You Are Who You Surround Yourself With
I am not perfect. I try so hard to be a great person and friend. I always try to see if I can help someone in need or talk to someone when they need an ear. I am naturally a kind spirit. Sometimes, I do over compensate for my short-comings. If I have a friend who needs money, and I do not have money to give them. I find another way to help them out. Or I will give them the last of what I have. Some people are not that way. Some people are not built that way, and I have learned to accept it. But I do have deal breakers with friendships.
I do know a lot of people whom i used to call friends, who would only be bothered with me when they needed something from me. Or when they wanted me to do something for them. Once I had gotten the hint that this was the friendship we had, I stopped caring for them and moved on.
Last night, I was supposed to post this blog entry, but then I had a few conversations that I wanted to mention. It completely changed the format from the original draft.
The first conversation was with a friend who I used to date a long time ago.Jason* The conversation started with Jason* flirting with me and wanting me to send him dirty pictures. I refused. I told him that I refused to send nude pictures of myself to anyone, through text message or online. I am adult and I have so much more respect for myself now than I did when I was younger. That respect comes with age and with experience. But it also comes from being a gay male living in this dumb ass gay community. (SIDEBAR, IF I CAN SUCCESSFULLY CHANGE BEING GAY… I WOULD)
But then, I also explained to Jason that I had fallen out of like with him and a lot of other people I once surround myself with. I also explained that I might have been sexually attracted to him at one point in my life, but after a few years of ups and downs, bitter exchanges, and catty back stabbing, I was finally done. This left our friendship non-existent.
The more I think about how I’ve secluded myself for months to stay away from people who I wish I could have called on for support; the more I realize why I secluded myself. I was never going to get the support I needed from a community of fake and broken people. When I was homeless a few years ago, the only thing that anyone did for me was talk bad about me. No one offered me a place to sleep. No one really cared if I was starving everyday.
Then, when I started staying with a ‘friend” everyone and their mother knew about it. All of a sudden, all of my personal business had become public knowledge. Most of the things that I heard about myself was so fabricated that it turned me off from the person I was staying with and the people I knew. But it taught me a valuable lesson. First, be very picky about who you let into your life. Second, learn to survive without people. But it is because of this and other reasons why I have fallen out of “like” with the people I used to know.
I was reflecting on it last night trying to find a reason why I had been so turned off by people and okay with being secluded. Then, I had a conversation with another friend whom I once had a sexual relationship with. His name is Jonathan*. Jonathan shared with me how he had seen me go through the greatest trials that left me jaded. He said that I was constantly looking for love instead of dealing with the various issues I had going on in my life and that the person I am now is completely different. He was totally right. I have learned to love and respect myself more. I love myself first. I love myself more than I love anyone else.
“You are content with being alone, in your apartment, drinking wine with your cat.” He laughed. “That poor cat. In every video, you are kissing him.” He reflected. “And that’s great. You had a boyfriend who tried to break you because of his issues. And you could have gave up, but you stood up and you worked hard. Now you have your own place. You’re in school and you are working.” Jonathan said.
It sucks that we can never give ourselves credit for our accomplishments until someone gives us some credit.
” I am Worthy”
I love YouTube. Every night, I am up for hours unable to sleep watching YouTube. The other day, I came across an old interview with Tamar Braxton. The interviewer asked her to sum herself up using one word. Tamar took a moment and said. “Worthy” She also made an awesome point afterwards. We never give ourselves credit for the great things that happen in our lives. We almost never say that we are worthy of the great things that are happening. When bad things happen to us, we are quick to pray and acknowledge our faults. I am guilty of doing that. I also have the tendency to dwell on the negative instead of looking at the positive side of things.
After talking to Jonathan for an hour or so, I went home and just started repeating to myself that I am worthy of all of the good and all of the great. I could not see any of these things before this conversation. I had felt so burdened by my life. My apartment and rent, my bills, buying groceries, my job and even my loneliness seemed to be a huge burden. Then I realized the good in all of it. I am doing a lot of things that so many people wish that they were able to do. Yes, I struggle to survive, but everyone is struggling these days. The economy sucks and it’s making it really hard to really survive alone in this world.
And as much as I am alone, I’m really not. I have a cat… I have friends who I am sure I can call at any time, but I choose not to call them. That isn’t their fault, that is my fault. I’ve caused my loneliness.I have focused on being with the wrong people for so long that I had forgotten about the people who really want to be around me and love me.
Own Your Shit and Apologize
No introduction for this part. sometimes you have to apologize to people for the mistakes you’ve made.So this one is for the men who have had to put up with me. There will be another post for the women. So here it goes. In this section I will not use fake names.
Charles- My biggest mistake in our relationship was not leaving when I saw how fragile you were. I did not know that it would ultimately cost me my reputation in the end. I should have trusted my gut after your suicide attempt and after you cheated on me with your transgender friend. However, I stayed around. I am sorry for the pain that you and I endured during our time together. I wish you well.
JoNathan- My biggest mistake was treating myself as if I was less than you. My low self-esteem resulted in a sticky friendship in which I kept my distance after feeling like I had no value in your life. None of this is completely your fault. But it does say a lot about the person I was. I am sorry for causing so much confusion. I chose to stay away from you to deal with a lot of the things that I was going through emotionally and financially and I am sorry.
Kileeo- I knew how important he was to you and even though I had my own selfish reasons. I never meant to hurt you… Even though you are a self-righteous, liar who loves to fuck pastors at every church you attend and have the audacity to call me a whore… I am sorry for supposedly stealing the one guy you swore you ever loved… Even though you really didn’t love him, you tried to control him by withholding sex and convicting him with religion.
Tiger- You weren’t ready and I knew it. But my need to be loved got in the way the friendship we once had. I am sincerely sorry for that. I am sorry for hurting you.
Russell- I am not totally convinced that you really loved me. I am not convinced that you really wanted to have a life for me. But I knew way before we started dating that I did not want to be with you, but i went forward with a relationship with you. That was wrong. I know that you still read my blog because this is the only way that you can check up on me. I am so sorry for the wasted time. I stay true to my word, I never meant to hurt you. I never cheated on you sexually. I wanted to so many times. Everyday, I felt as if I was going to explode from not having sex with someone else. I am sorry.
Lincoln- My big brother, the love of my life. The brother I wished I was born with. You have taught me so much about what a gay friend is supposed to be. Through most of my trials I stayed away from you. I was too embarrassed to talk to you about the things that I was going through. I was always afraid that I would never be able to be the type of friend to you that you are to me. For this, I am very sorry. You occupy a huge space in my heart and you can never be replaced.
That’s all for now.. I am exhausted…
Names that appear with an (*) have been changed.