Let me start this entry off by saying that this month has been a roller coaster of stuff and emotions. However, I am hoping to be fine after yesterday.
The passing week has found me secretly in and out of the hospital I’m using the term “Secretly” because no one knew that I have been in and out of the hospital. I was making excuses for a lot of my distance and my inability to answer calls. But I’ve been in and out of the hospital suffering from Exhaustion and Dehydration. But mainly, Anxiety!
I had been having back to back anxiety attacks everyday since last Saturday’s LGBTQ Pride event. I’m not sure of the reasons yet. If I could list a few reasons, here a few that I would think would be the underlying issues…
1. I wasn’t ready to be around people due to becoming reclusive.
2. Seeing my old crew, including Tiger and Jaylen. And to be completely honest, I still love Jaylen. A lot. And I was so nervous to even look at him.
3. Tiger… Even though he and I are pretty okay now, he and I never really recovered a real friendship. And if there’s anything that I miss about Tiger, I miss his friendship. The real tangible friendship that he and I seemingly had… Maybe it was all in my head, but I miss it. But I hate him.
4. Bills. Needless to explain that I am drowning in bills that my ex has left me to resolve on my own.
5. Work. I work in a hostile and chaotic work environment. The stress of it all is overwhelming. I literally dread going to work every morning.
6. Loneliness. I have no friends or family here in Jersey. My family is in Florida. And where as in my soul I feel that Akish and Evelyn are my family, they have lives. It would be selfish of me to burden them with every issue I am facing.
7. Self confidence. It’s just gone. I’ve lost it completely. Being Justice used to mean something to me and a lot of others. It means absolutely nothing to me anymore.
8. I feel trapped.
These issues and a few more..
So when I could barely sleep on Tuesday night and kept having attack after attack after my friend Khris left, it scared the fuck out of me. These attacks came on strong. I’m not sure what I was thinking about. I just remember that they came strong. I couldn’t breathe.
My throat felt like it was closing up. The room got really hot. My body felt like ice on the inside and my body went numb. My chest tightened. I tried breathing, but I couldn’t. I drank water.. Nothing. I stayed still and prayed silently. Nothing.
2 am. I tried texting and calling everyone I knew. No one answered. Obviously, everyone was sleep getting ready for the next day. I was not okay.
3 am. This next attack came on stronger and it hit me like a big yellow school bus on “Mean Girls.” Same symptoms, this time the room started spinning and my body felt like it was being drugged. This time I got up and ran to the hospital. The nurses knew right away why I was there. I had been there twice already. But I explained to them that I lived alone and I had no one to talk me down.
They monitored me for hours and gave me a Xanax.
At 7 am I was released and I went to straight to work without sleep. Since I’m Arthur McMillans’ child, I was wearing my work clothes because I knew that regardless of anything, I was going to work.i couldn’t afford to do anything but go to work.
Needless to say, I left work early. I couldn’t perform. The Xanax had me done completely and the attacks continued at work. I was falling asleep at work, I had never fallen asleep at work, unless it was during a lunch break or a really bad migraine. I finally sent an email to my supervisor Darryl, informing him of my night, and that I needed to leave at 4 pm. He was fine with it. Honestly, Darryl, might not have been fine with it, but Darryl knew that I wasn’t feeling well. I hadn’t been well the week before, but I still came to work. I had been killing myself for months just to survive on my own and pay bills. This at times, has cause me to go without sleep and food for long periods of time. So the fact that I was finally admitting that I was human and needed rest, he was okay to let me rest.
When I had gotten home, I slept. Khris called to check on me. He bought me food and we crawled in my bed and talked for a while. For that moment, it felt nice to have someone there with me. It felt good to be with someone and not be alone. But then Khris left. He messaged me until he fell asleep. I thought about Jaylen. I wanted to call him and hear his voice, but instead, I went to sleep.
A few hours later, it was 7 am. I awoke unable to move. I tried. I waited. for a few minutes. The alarm on my iPhone was sounding but I couldn’t move to turn it off. I panicked…
I screamed. I yelled for help just to realize that I lived alone and no one could hear me. If my neighbors heard me screaming, they would pay no attention. I was alone. My alarm stopped after a couple of minutes. I relaxed for a moment. I could barely think. Everything felt unreal. I felt like I was still dreaming because everything was foggy and dream-like.
My body had eventually started to move. I picked up my phone and called my job. I was not going to work. I couldn’t. I knew that I would not be able to perform. After calling my job, I dozed off.
I am not sure what time it happened…
I am not sure what was going on. I remember that I was sitting on my bed with my laptop in my lap trying to do my homework. Then my throat started to close up. I couldn’t breathe. I started gasping for air. I grabbed a bottle of water from the table next to my bed and tried drinking it. Nothing. A cold and icy feeling came over my body and then my body went numb.
It started to rain in Jersey City at this time. I remember dropped to the floor near my bed. I was in fetal position hysterically crying and thinking.
Make it stop. Why is this happening to me? I cannot take this anymore?
I started to feel like a prisoner in my body. I cried and cried non-stop for about an hour.
Then finally, I made the most heartbreaking phone call I had ever had to make. Still crying.
I called my mother in Florida. I remember that she tried everything to calm me down, but I could not stop crying. I don’t even think she understood what I was saying. My sister took the phone and translated my sobs to my mother.
My sister just seems to know me pretty well, so It really wasn’t that hard for her to translate what I was saying while crying hysterically
“I’m sorry.” I remembered saying. It was at this time that my cat, SugarPie came out of his room and laid next to me. He gave me a headbutt and licked my chin. My cries had gotten louder. I couldn’t breathe anymore.
I don’t remember being able to verbalize much due to sobbing loudly and not being able to comfort myself. The more I tried to stop crying, the more I cried.
“Calm down. Calm down. Breathe.” I could hear my mom saying.
My sister and mom called my aunt and my aunt called the ambulance. I did not want to go to the hospital. I didn’t feel the need to go. I had been there too many times this week.
Everything after that is a blur. My next memory was someone banging at my door. I had gotten up and let them in, still in tears. I hung up the phone with my family and followed the EMS workers downstairs. I jumped into the Ambulance where two women greeted me. They put a white sheet around me. I was visibly shaking, tears still marked my face. My eyes were puffy. They spoke. I nodded. I was distant. They stayed parked in front of my building until I started responding to their questions.
“Mr. Little, please speak to us.”
Nothing. I had my thoughts, but I couldn’t process any of them.
When I finally responded to their questions, I could only give short responses.
They took me to the hospital. The nurses and doctors put me in bed. I crawled up in bed and continued to cry and sob until they gave me a shot of something. A liquid Xanax to stabilize me. After a couple of minutes, I calmed down and the doctor came to talk to me.
“So whats’s been going on?’ Dr. Thomas asked. Dr. Thomas was a black and Philippine mixed handsome doctor. I didn’t answer him. “Okay. Well, you seemed very distraught when you came in.” No answer. “Where is your family?” He asked.
“Florida.” I said.
“Are you here alone?’ He asked.
“I wasn’t invited to move with them a few years ago. So I’m here.”
“You weren’t invited?”
“They went to stay with my uncle to get settled and my uncle and I aren’t close, so I had to stay here.” I said. “I was homeless for a while. Then I found a place. I was in a relationship and it was traumatic. I’m out of it now.”
“Are you working? Going to school?” I nodded. “Any friends?”
“Not really?” I started to cry a little. “No one really understands me. There are rumors going around about me. None of them are true. Instead of fighting them, I keep my distance from people. The friends I have, aren’t close.” I said. “I stay to myself.”
“I don’t understand how someone so young and intelligent can be so depressed.” Dr. Thomas said.
“Because you really don’t care.” I said. “No one really does.”I said.
“When you were homeless, why didn’t file for assistance?’
“I did. I was denied for being a college student.” I said.
“That doesn’t make any sense, you were homeless.”
“Because you don’t care. You people should do your research on what is going on. I am a college student. Governor Christie passed a law that College students were not allowed government assistance because Financial Aid is a form of assistance. This is why most college students are living on campus during the school year and are homeless during their breaks. Or are homeless period.”
“I didn’t know that information.”
“Because you people don’t care.” I said getting angry. “Can I have another doctor? Someone who is competent?’
“I am sorry. But I think that if you want to change anything about your situation, you should write a list of what you want and go after it.” I laughed.
“That is not a real-life solution, Sir” I said.
“It worked for me.”
“You probably had family and friends that you could call when you needed something. You probably had support. Not everyone is that lucky.. If I need a couple of dollars, I have to wait until my next paycheck. If I am short on my rent, I have to fight it out in court for months until I am able to pay it. Which means that I have to go months without a haircut. Without buying clothes. I have to go weeks at a time without eating. I cannot just call someone for hundreds or thousands of dollars when I have nothing. So if you’re telling me to make another list of my wants and my dreams. I will show you all of them and kindly tell you to go fuck yourself.” The doctor looked at me and stood up. He shook his head in silence.
“Maybe you might want to date again.”
“GAY MEN SUCK. LEAVE!” I yelled. He looked defeated. For the first time in my life, I wanted to apologize to someone for yelling.
But it was frustrating to hear everything that I have already been told. Everything that I have tried. He was getting the anger and frustration that so many others in my life had deserved. Everyone who was quick to throw advice at me, without helping me. Everyone who offered me Jesus and prayer but really didn’t give a fuck about me. Everyone who didn’t care enough to ask me if I needed anything. He was getting the anger and frustration that I had for others.
“I am sorry that you’re alone.” He said. “I am sorry if I made you angry and I am sorry that I cannot help you.”
He walked away.
Several minutes later I was served with release papers…
I went home. I sobbed in bed and drowned in my misery.
unable to process. Unable to cope. I sat looking at my wall. Nothing else mattered.
I didn’t speak for hours. I had no words. My only thoughts were to just run away and never come back.