I was having a conversation with someone who will remain nameless for right now. I call this person my “Sponsor” even though she and I are not in some support group. But she serves a purpose. She is my sounding board when I need to vent or yell at someone. I think it’s pretty healthy… Anyway.
So it’s been awhile since my break up. I’ve been single ever since Russell left. I have been secluded a little, I’ve spoken about that. I’ve been on dates. I’ve had some fun. And I’ve had some really bad experiences.
So yesterday, I was talking to my “Sponsor” about dating. I told her how it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that I’m not certain if I can be with anyone again.
Here’s the issue; I’ve gotten used to being alone. Being alone gets lonely and it’s boring. But I would rather be alone sometimes than to deal with rejection or the hurt from someone else’s feelings. I’m a literally afraid of people.
For example; I was seeing someone who was a little rough around the edges, and just rough. That scared me and I called it quits. (passed issues)
My tolerance with people is non-existent. My low tolerance is the result of being alone for a while and not having to deal with the bullshit that gay men can put you through.
Failure to call or return a message is a dead giveaway that’s intone does not want to be bothered. And when that someone wants to be bothered it’s because they want something from you. Sex, money, food, etc.
Which brings me to my next point… Entitlement.
Gay men feel that they are entitled to special treatment when dating. As if they are Gods gift to everyone. They want to be catered to, taken care of and left alone.in my experience, the guys I’ve encountered have only wanted to be around because I could do something for them.
I’ve been hurt by a lot of guys. One in particular. I tried to mend a relationship/friendship with the other day and it was a total failure. The entire time I kept thinking about all of the things that had happened between us. Everything that I was scared of I knew would happened again. And I am already starting to see proof of it. I’m kicking myself and that sucks. When having a heart ultimately causes you heartache.
Anyway, this was pretty much what my Sponsor and I were talking about.
“Humans are flawed. We can’t continue to hold things against each other and expect to get anywhere in the future. ”
Not a lot of help…. Actually…
Yea, but I still want my happy ending. I still want love. I deserve it. But I’m scared of it.