I was trying to do my homework, but my mind was filled with so many thoughts. The thoughts wouldn’t allow me to focus. I guess I should have taken my Focalin, but I try to give my body a break from Focalin on the weekends.
Finally, I decided that I would write down some of my thoughts. So here it is..
What’s on my mind?
So, last week, I sat in Starbucks to study. It turned out to be a great decision on my part, because I had gotten all of my homework done. (maybe I should have done that this week). Afterwards, I started walking home and I ran into the Jersey City gay pride festival. I had a panic attack…
Everything came to my mind. My old friends would be there. Gays will be there. People will see me. I look a mess. I am not ready for people to see me yet.
Eventually, people saw me. I was very uncomfortable being around that many people at once. My nerves was everywhere.
The night before, I had gone through something a little traumatic with one of the guys I had been seeing. After I left, I blocked the person from contacting me. That event forced me to realize that I was not ready to date yet.. So I broke off communication with two other guys.
Lionel, was the main guy that I had been kind of dating. I actually cared about Lionel. Lionel is very understanding, as most white men I’ve dated have been understanding and laid back. My thoughts and feelings for Lionel have never changed, he is still awesome.
If I want to be completely honest, and I will be…. I know who I want to be with. I know his name. I know what he looks like. I know how he feels in my arms. I know how it feels when he holds and kisses me. I know how he tastes on my lips.
I have a pet name for him.
He occupies my mind every hour and second of the day. When someone mentions his name, I smile and my heart skips a beat. I am nervous around him and my heart doesn’t know how to control its pace..
My. Issue is…. I am so scared of love and loving this guy. I am so scared of failing at this that I haven’t really made a move. Then I am afraid of the rejection of not being loved in return. He knows how I feel about him. The truth is, the guys I’ve dated have been fillers. They occupy my time until HE comes around and realize that he and I should be together.
I’ve been thinking about this all day… And it’s been on my mind forever.. A few years… But I’ve never said anything… So now I am…
I am hoping that my mind stops racing and that my nerves will settle.. I am hoping that after I get these words down that the words wont haunt me as much as they are haunting me right now..
I am hoping that after I post this, that I can finish my homework..