Why I chose seclusion…
A few years ago, it seemed like I was doing well. I could have done anything I wanted to. I was performing and hosting shows. I was in great shape and It seemed like I was loved by a lot of people around me. Then all of that came crashing down on me..
The support was fake. The love was conditional. At the end of it all, I lost myself and my confidence.. This isn’t a pity party.. This is my testimony of how I overcame it all.
I never shared how depression killed my confidence.
To most people, I seem very confident and charismatic. I am really shy and I hate a lot of attention. But over the past few months as I was digging myself out of the debt that my ex had left me in… I stayed to myself. It wasn’t my choice to be alone, but after a failed attempt to date after my relationship ended. I picked up a heavy drinking problem and then some extra weight.
The embarrassment of gaining weight and not looking the way the world was used to seeing me, started to depress me. The looks I would get in public depressed me. The way other gay men treated me started to depress me. The way my co-workers looked at me started to depress me.
I didn’t feel attractive and I didn’t love myself anymore.
I saw myself going through my financial issues alone. It’s always weird when you lose the friends that you once thought would be around for everything. After a few friends promised to be there every step of the way for me and then fell through with those promises. I saw my circle reduced to just me. I will say that Evelyn and Akish were amazing at this time of my life. I never needed anyone to cry to. But it felt great being able to vent my frustrations to someone.
I saw my friendship with someone drift apart because they needed a distraction from life. After months of blowing me off and using me as a scapegoat, I found comfort in coming home alone to my cat.
The silence in my own home started to haunt me. I started to hate the silence because it made me think too much. I would think about my situation and my future. I’d think about the way I wanted to look and the way I wanted to dress. I saw my long curly copper- colored hair twists. And this edgy non-gender-conforming look. For the first time in a long time, I listened to my body and what it wanted. I listened to my spirit and their voices… All of them!
The more my thoughts ran, the more I had gotten to know who I really am as a person. Getting to know myself meant that I had to admit a lot of things that I had been in denial about for a long time. My denial came from years of people controlling my thoughts and my wants. But with all of the voices gone, I finally heard my own voices.
I started to think clearly. I started to mature. And then my doctor gave me Focalin for my ADHD. The Focalin ended up being my breakthrough. Through Focalin, I was able to pay attention to everything that was going on around me. My patience and tolerance started to disappear and I was introduced to a more serious and angry person who was finally sick of being mistreated by other people. So I started to stand up for myself.
Last week, something else happened. I figured that I needed to be alone. So I did what I had to do and walked away from a few friendships.
I can take a lot. I cannot take liars. Especially when the lies make me out to be the bad guy so that you can play a victim,
I decided to clear my head and take a much needed break from people.
This of course meant that I had to push David away..
It is no secret that I love David. I absolutely adore him and cherish his friendship and honesty. But I could not look at him for a few months. I did not have the confidence to be in front of him and feel like I was attractive. It was hard to be funny. I t was hard to be myself because I had lost so much of myself.
Same thing with Lincoln. Lincoln is like my big brother. I know that Lincoln will always be here if I need to talk to him, which is why I love him so much. But I never wanted to be that friend with the issues. I know that he fully understands that life happens. For once, I would love to be the same friend to him as he has been to me. That has been my goal for all of my friendships.
So here is my apology to all of the real friends who I’ve stayed away from. I am sorry. I needed time. I still need time.
Here is my thank you to the people who left me alone for whatever reason. That time was needed for me to get to know myself. I wouldn’t trade those six months for the world. I have found that I am a lot stronger than any of you would have allowed me to believe. I am smarter than a lot of you would love me to believe. And I have found through my state of loneliness and self-reflection that I do not need any of you. I guess that I never really needed you to begin with. That has me at peace. Besides, it feels good not feeling forced to enjoy something that I do not care about or have pointless conversations just for the sake of having company. It feels great being alone in my own apartment, with a stubborn cat. That is the simple life that I have and the life that I have always wanted.
Through your sorrow and depression, things get better. I am more confident in making my own decisions. I am my own person now and that feels great. Thank God for strength. Thank God for purpose!