June 6, 2014
I guess that everything fell on me all at once. It must be said that I think I handled the ending to my relationship as well as I possibly could have. Although, the way it ended was horrible and left me with so many bills. I think I handled it pretty well, but sometimes situations become so big that they have a way of overwhelming us. No one knows how to react to life when it gets a little too real. I kind of wish that God had written an owner’s manual on how to deal with certain situations. Like, how would you deal with your partner telling you he’s moving out and sticking you with months of back bills, including rent? How should you deal with it?
I found myself buried in financial debt. So deep that I stopped taking care of myself because I just couldn’t take care of myself. I couldn’t ask for help without the risk of being turned down and talked about. So I kept a lot of it to myself. Then My phone was turned off, and then the cable.
On June 6th, I had awakened that day thinking. “I will do some cleaning and go for a jog” So I started taking my clothes out of the closet and out of laundry bags and proceeded to dump them on the floor in my bedroom. Then, I started dumping clothes in my living room.. All of this made sense to me at the time. Cleaning, but first making a bigger mess. Duh!! I had to empty everything out to make room to put everything back where it belongs. That’s how you clean… I thought. Then I became overwhelmed.. I don’t remember what happened after that. But the bathroom and kitchen had become a mess as well. I ran from room to room and dumping things on the floor. Once again, all of this seemed normal at the time.
My doorbell rang. Christina and Melvyn came upstairs. I was off guard, and I told them, “I was just cleaning up.”
Their faces said it all. Christina had shock all over her face. Melvyn looked horrified.
“Seems like he’s depressed,” Christina said to Melvyn. Christina then put on her calm voice … Christina has a “calm voice” and at times it could be very condescending. At this time, maybe she and Melvyn could tell that something was wrong and that I was in a weird state. So they continued to clean up my mess and gather my things and laundry. I just sat on my bed. I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember if I had showered. I just remember Melvyn and Christina talking. To me and each other. I’m not sure of anything after that. It seems fuzzy. I just remember being unhappy and wishing I looked like this picture of me from years ago. But the apartment was a mess, and it smelled really bad. Then all of a sudden we were in the car.
“What happened next? Dr. Gajera asked.
“We went to Christina’s’ house to do laundry. I had to figure out how to pay bills.”I said. My voice softened even more. “I had to ask for help.”
“Why didn’t she take you to the hospital?” He asked.
“I wasn’t sick or anything.” I said.
“Has anything like that ever happened to you before?” Dr. Gajera asked.
“Not that I know of or can remember.” I said.
“Do you often have blackouts where you can’t remember anything or have episodes like the one you had a week ago?” I stopped and thought hard for a moment. I looked around the beautiful office. The leather chairs. His sexy tight shirt. His dark, sexy Indian skin. My mind started to wander for a moment about every time I felt complete out of it.
“Keith, you had a manic episode. They should have taken you to the hospital.” I felt confused. I knew that I was bipolar. I mean, I became very hyper-sexual on Zoloft, that is the dead giveaway. But as far as I knew, I hadn’t had an episode or suffered a mental breakdown in years. The last episode was in my college dorm room. I remember contemplating suicide because I felt trapped. But since then, I wasn’t sure. Then, flashes started to come to me.
“Keith the breakdown is normal with people with Bipolar. You were overwhelmed. It sometimes offsets the OCD. If you were overwhelmed, you were more than likely having a breakdown.”
My thoughts raced. He asked questions. I answered some of them.
“The hyper sexual behavior? How long does that lasts?” He asked.
“Weeks… Then suddenly, I don’t want it. I hate it. It’s disgusting. Then I’m afraid I caught something and go through these weird phases where I get checked for everything.” I said. “My tests always comes back negative, but it doesn’t make me feel better.”
“You obsess about it?” He asked.
“It bugs me until I know an answer. Christina always thinks that I’m losing it.” I said.
“You almost did. I think it’s time to ask for help with everything.” Dr. Gajera says. “You can’t go on much longer this way.”
“That’s easier said than done!” Then the doctor says.
“Where is your family?
“They are gone.”
To be continued