I humbly come to you asking for forgiveness. Forgive me for not including you guys on my journey back to realizing what life was really about. Let’s chat.
So yesterday, ended up being a weird day to find some breakthrough. It wasn’t as if I had awaken and said, “I have all the answers” Life does not work that way. It is obvious to everyone around me that I have gone into a dark dizzy spiraling depression. No one knows why and I wasn’t completely sure as to why I was going through this sick twisted depression. But now, I have an idea why.
First, break ups are hard, but it’s harder when you have to admit to yourself that you were so wrong about some things. Where as I was never unfaithful to Russell, I was not 100% faithful. I might not have had sx with other guys, but I emotionally cheated on him all the time. That is worst than any infidelity. Russell was never available emotionally and I needed to express the millions of emotions in my head. My relationship with David was 100% platonic in the way that we gave each other the freedom to vent our frustrations. Did that make me feel even more of a connection towards David? Yes. He was getting to know ALL of me, where as Russell was stuck on the person he had met. He didn’t want to know or accept who I was as a person.
I can admit that I was wrong for throwing my feelings at someone else, but those feelings were really love or lustful. The feelings I threw at David were frustrations, sadness and emptiness. Do I regret it? No! I told David, that he knows who I am, I can’t say that about a lot of people. I have friends who I’ve known for uears, but they do not know who I am and they know nothing about my life.. Clasic example, I have friends, who has no idea that I broke up with Russell. They have no idea that my family moved to Florida. They have no idea that I was homeless for a long time. I keep it like this because I have trust issues.
I don’t trust my information with anyone. I am gay and a lot of the people I know who are gay love to gossip and bring each other down. I make it pretty well known that I have been on my own for a long time. I have literally fought my way to where I am now. I appreciate those who have supported me (and that’s a really short list of names) and I appreciate the supportive words I’ve gotten along the way. But for the most part, people love to tear others down. So I have had gay friends (no names because they aren’t worth it) who have done nothing but try to rip me apart. Some almost succeeded… But I keep my business to myself.
Second, I’ve gained a lot of weight due to some really crazy health scares last year. The stress of it all has had a real effect on my body and confidence. I miss my old body and the way I used to look, and right now I am trying to embrace who I am now. That is so hard. I had to let go of the image of who I am. The person who I see when I am dreaming of my future self and embrace and love who I am now.
Third, My transitioning from being in a two income house hold, to being in a one income household trying to take care of myself has not been an easy transition. It has been very hard trying to keep up with these bills, God knows that eating, Paying the cable bill, rent, laundry, electricity etc… its too much and I know that I need help, but there isn’t anyone around to help me so I do it alone. If something isn’t working out the way I want it to work out, I move on. I have to be strong because I cannot allow myself to lose focus or get so depressed that I can’t get out of bed, end up in the hospital. I have to pay bills, no one will do it for me.
I found myself applying to jobs everywhere. The job market sucks, all of the news coverage saying otherwise is false. I never got a call from a legit company. Monster, CareerBuilder, Craigslist etc, are filled with scammed listings. A lot of companies are not hiring unless you have a college degree or if you’re applying for some job that no one wants. I had started to feel challenged. I ‘d pray for something, but nothing would come. It feels so horrible to apply to jobs and not get a response. It feels horrible trying your best to do better but the world refuses to give you a break.
Next year, I will be 30. I feel like a loser. No degree. no real job. . no lasting relationships… and I have a depressed cat who hates me and cries a lot. I felt like I was doing so much to get ahead but I wasn’t getting anywhere.
I had to come to some realizations. I am where I am because I got myself here. Whether you believe in God or a higher being, or the universe. I got here by Grace. But I did it, without hurting anyone, lying or cheating to get here. I mean I did sleep with a few people for a place to stay, but that’s life. However, I survived. I made it. I am a black gay male from Jersey City. I came from a single parent household. Reason and studies show that I should be dead, on drugs, locked up in jail or homeless. Because those are the only options they give people like me. However, I am still here. I can accept that I have overcome or I can continue to hate myself for things that I cannot control, but I am constantly working towards.
I am in a constant battle with my thoughts. I think that I am a total loser. And for a while, that’s how I acted, dressed and felt. My personality went from perky to dark and miserable. I was consumed by my own doom and it felt really bad.
WE ARE WHAT WE THINK….
I have to change my thought process… now
For now, I’m going to try to be happy…
Look out for my new Project coming soon.