Are we enjoying the weather yet? In New York/ New Jersey the sun is shinning and I am loving every moment of it. Yesterday felt amazing, it reminds me that spring is really just around the corner. Yesterday evening, I was walking home listening to “I’ll Remember” but the Glee version of the Madonna classic. I like both versions, but for some reason, the Glee version happened to come on and I listened to the lyrics.
For those who are new to this Blog, I’ve spoken about my relationships with my partners.My ex, Russell was that one person who I loved, that I wish the relationship would have survived all of the chaos we’d gone through. Alas, some relationships cannot be saved, not even by love.
When Russell left, I didn’t think I’d be able to survive without him. Those feelings were echoed when my family left. Actually, when my sister left to move to Florida, we were being evicted out of the apartment and her last words to me while she was getting in her godmothers car were, “Try surviving without me.” Those words remain in my head everyday. those words kill me as they stab into my memory. I couldn’t tell by the malice in her voice whether or not she had meant them to hurt as much. One thing was apparent, I had to live without a safety net. I suck with Goodbyes.
My mother had left a month before Denisha and she took my Niece Keyarra with her. I can’t forget the day, it was Mother’s day of 2013. I walked my mother to her brothers’ car. I hugged her and my niece bye. I didn’t care to stand there and watch them pull off; that would have killed me. As soon as I ran into the Apartment building that we were living in, a formaer friend John called me to see how I was doing. I lied and told him that I was fine. I hurried him off of the phone and told him that I was okay but I had to go. I sat in the hallway in the apartment building and fought tears by breathing deeply and lying to myself that my niece would be coming back.
They never did.
When it was time to leave the apartment, I remember trying to get our cat to come with me so that they can lock us out of the apartment. The cat hissed and fought me. I finally broke down. Where was I taking her? I didn’t even have a place to go. I was homeless. My neighbor decided to keep the cat. I walked the streets trying to figure out my next move. As much as I couldn’t think of sleeping in the streets… It happened.
So this time around, getting used to no one being around has been hard. My mom and sister has been asking me to move to Florida and try to start a life for myself there. I don’t see myself ever moving to Florida. I haven’t even gone to visit them. Every time I decide to go visit my family in Florida, I chicken out of it. I’m not ready to go there. I know that they will continue to do their best to get me there, but I always think of my sisters last words to me before she left. I have to find my own way.
I may miss Russell and my family, but “I’ll remember they wat that the saved me now that I’m standing on my own.” I may be alone in Jersey City, but I need to be alone. I may miss them, but I need to miss them. I need to do it alone. It’s so hard. There are days when I don’t sleep, eat or can barely do laundry, but it’s all worth it.
and I’ll remember…