I’m single and I’m ready to mingle. But not as in looking for guys to mingle with. I’m ready to meet new people. As in friends.. I was home most of the weekend doing house work. Saturday evening. I was walking around Journal Square wishing that I had someone to talk to or someone to call. I had no one. I had flipped through my phone to see if anyone wanted to hang out, but I couldn’t reach anyone.
Part of me love being alone. The other part of me hates it. I love being able to come home and not hear anyone bitching and complaining. I love that I don’t have to listen to anyone dictate what I should watch or what choices I should make. I love being able to come in when I want without the emotional guilt..
And since I’m being honest.
I changed who I was for my last relationship. My friends knew that I was changing when I had stopped caring about what I look like. When I purposely gained weight and acted as if it was something that I couldn’t control.. Just to show Russell that I could get fat and that no one would want me. I told myself that I didn’t want to go out with friends and refused to answer their phone calls when I was in the house.. Because I had gotten tired of the accusations of cheating..
I hated going out the house because Russell felt that if i was going out… There was a chance I was cheating… Actually, once he was so mad about Justin Timberlake lyrics I had written on my Facebook because he thought they were a secret message to someone…….. Like really??? Justin Timberlake lyrics.. They were just lyrics to a song I was listening to at the time… But seriously, think about being exposed to this all the time…
I had gotten used to it, but I tore me apart.. It hurt me.. I didn’t know what I could do to prove to him that I wasn’t cheating on him.
And let’s be honest. In the beginning of the relationship, my partner was all that I needed. He was everything to me. But he still believed that I was cheating and I would do everything to make him understand that I wasn’t cheating on him.. However, towards the end of the relationship. I knew that Russell would log onto my Facebook when I was at work. So I would text friends and make them flirt with me on Facebook so that Russell would see it.. I knew that since Russell never cared to communicate; I knew that I would never hear about it and that he would keep it bottled up inside of him.. But I had only done that to test if he would communicate with me. If he would get mad and question me about it. I knew that he wouldn’t. He had become so used to keeping secrets from me, it was as if he’d never seen the messages. But I knew he had seen them.
I rock myself to sleep to get to bed. Sometimes, Russell would rock me to sleep. He had stopped a few weeks after he had went snooping form”proof that I had cheated in him
Once again proving that he wasn’t the man for me. But I had gotten tired of the lies and secrets he seemed to have.. That’s the reason why most of my relationships never lasted. If I feel that someone in my life may lie to me about something small, I stop trusting them. I stopped trusting Russell after I found out his real age when he was in the hospital and his nurse asked me some questions in the hallway.
He told me that he didn’t introduce me to his family because they were snobs and wouldn’t accept me.. And ideas offended, for a second. But I’ve have boyfriends with families far more well off than his… And I know that I was loved by them. But I saw this as another excuse for him to hide who he is from people. So I brushed it off..
I had gotten tired of feeling that there was something wrong with me and that I was a complete screw up.. I work everyday at a dead end job. I am cussed out for a system I cannot control.. Then I attend school to feel inadequate.., then I come home to relax and feel childlike…. Just for my partner to make me feel inadequate. I loved feeling like a child in the comfort of my own home. Children have an unbreakable spirit. It’s pure and resilient. That’s how I want to feel after six days of being broken down.. Week after week. So I don’t miss him anymore.
I don’t miss his bitching. I don’t miss his remarks or bitter looks.. I’m 28 years old…. I am not 40 or 50. My life isn’t not nearly over.., I still have time to be successful and find real love…
But I remind myself everyday that I am the love that I want. I want a man who openly admits that he is not perfect. I want someone who loves me and all that they refuse to not see. I want a man who understands that I am the only
One I have left. My childhood is gone, but being childlike is not a weakness. I want a man who doesn’t go looking for a reason to break a promise….. . I want a man who can be themselves and accept my weirdness…