Russell moved out on Monday. I’d known that Monday was coming, but I honestly told myself that the day would never come… I thought that he would change his mind, but he left. Early that morning, I had awakened to an ice storm in Jersey City. I hugged him to say “bye” before I had left from work. He started to tell me that he was leaving the keys on top of the refrigerator. I had heard him say it, but I was half way out of the door. Had I paid attention to what Russell was saying, I would have cried, but I kept going and closed the door. Composed myself and went to work.
On my way to work, The Hudson-Bergen Light Rail had stopped running and I needed to catch that train to get to work. I stood outside the 9th Street/Congress Station in The Heights, freezing trying to think of a way to get to work. It was about 10 am. I was cold and late for work. I could have called my boss and told him that I didn’t want to come out, but I didn’t want to go home and watch Russell pack. I didn’t want to see him leave. So I did everything in my power to get to work Monday morning. I hopped on a bus to the bus Terminal in Journal Square. If you live in Jersey City, you would know that I traveled backwards from where I started. The 83 to Hackensack decided to finally show up at 12:30 pm. I had finally gotten to work around 1:30 pm… Just to be told that the company was closing at 4:00 pm.
When I had gotten off the bus up the block from my house, I had told myself that Russell was in bed and that he hadn’t left. When I got closer to the house, I saw him with a bag hopping into a limo service. I ran to the corner trying to stop the car, but it pulled off and I chased the car, crying and yelling. When finally I had to stop and realize that he was gone. When I got to my door I’d realized that my keys were missing. I cried. I cried harder than I had cried before. Flashbacks came rushing back to me.
The time I was walking past a café on West Side Ave and had seen Tiger in the arms of his ex-boyfriend..
The time I had realized that Tiger was seeing someone else.
When my mother and my niece Keyarra left and went to Florida.
When my sister Denisha Left to go to Florida and I had awaken a few days later to realize that Her Husband was leaving too. I was alone in an apartment that we were now being evicted out of…
The tears kept coming. Then my friend Kish called, right away, she tried to calm me down. I had had the worst day ever.
I climbed my fire escape to get into the window in my apartment. Inside, I couldn’t cry. My cat seemed to be sad as well. SugarPie would not leave his room at all, not even to eat. No matter how many times I would pick him up so that he could get in the bed with me, he would go right into his room and sleep under his bed. (He has a full size futon) I finally, realized Russell wasn’t walking in the apartment. I realized that SugarPie wasn’t coming to sleep with me and at 4am, I fell asleep.
The next day, I called out of work. I was awakened by Kish calling me informing me that the Light Rail was still shut down. We stayed on the phone for a while. I received a text from Russell saying good morning. I’m not going to lie. It’s hard living alone, because I have never done this before. It’s so lonely. It’s weird. I told Christina that it took me 7 months after my family left me to realize they weren’t coming back. The day after Leeman left, I had broken every dish in the house and cried for five minutes before I realized I needed to toughen up and figure things out… I was going to be homeless and I had no family and no friends.
The transition from Relationship to single is hard, but I think that this was something that I needed. Yes, I am scared as fuck because I am not sure what to expect. But I need to be better acquainted with who I am as a person before I am 30 years old. Before I commit to someone else, I need to know who I am. Living alone is scary, but it’s a step that I might need to take.
As abandoned I might have felt, I know that all things work for a greater purpose. As sad as I am that my relationship is over. I am so happy to start a relationship with myself. So as the days pass and I realize that Russell will not be here cooking when I come home from work. Or that I have a new found freedom because he isn’t here… I will appreciate the time I have now and the time he and I share…
Do you believe in life after love
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