I don’t think that I have anything powerful to say about the gut wrenching feeling of watching someone drift away day after day. It’s like watching someone die in front of you eyes.
As much as we refuse to believe that it doesn’t hurt us, watching a relationship fail hurts.
Regardless of what has taken place in the relationship, you miss the person once it’s over.
Whether the relationship is good or extremely turbulent.
The reason I’m having so much of an issue with losing this battle is because I had fooled myself into believing that the strides I had made to be completely faithful, staying in with him and not needing to go out with friends… I thought these things would make him happy… I thought that trying to get to know him and bond with him would make a difference.
Maybe even one day, I’d be good enough to meet his family.
At the end of the day, I gave up on myself for him and I am still the loser in many ways.
This was my fault. None of this is his fault.
The moment I lost myself because I foolishly thought that I owed him my life and devotion, I should have called it quits… But I couldn’t.
The truth is, as much as i couldn’t stand him, I loved him. I honestly loved him… With my whole heart and soul, I loved him… And that’s my fault. I forgot that there’s no such thing as real love in gay relationships. Just passing time. I had forgotten that there’s no such thing as real relationships, just conformance and convenience.
Maybe we were just a year long layover to our next flight. Maybe that’s what we really were.
There aren’t really any words to describe what I feel.. I should feel relieved and happy I guess some may say. But it’s very hard to live and love someone and give them all of you and see them still seem to be miserable. Judging, accusations, etc. it rips away at your soul, when all you really want is a compromise. Something. But nothing happened…. because the truth remains that I needed to lose everything about myself to remain in this relationship, not just some of me which it why we simply didn’t work. And this is my fault…. Yet all I’m left with is a one Bedroom apartment, a cat and Carol Kings’ Tapestry. Tears, bittersweet memories, bitten pride and a bunch of “what if’s.”
We tried. Did we? We loved, I guess. We fought… We did. I never want us to hate each other… One thing remains to be true, you came at a time when I was broken. You loved me for who I was then. Somewhere after that, I stopped being that person you felt you needed to save. But it was real, the love. I can’t apologize for who I am. But it was all real… The love. Be happy. Love. Learn to trust. Learn to have fun and be adventurous. Be careless for two minutes. Be not afraid to love someone who may not be everything you want, because humans aren’t perfect. Love isn’t perfect. And maybe love could be when it comes to loving unconditionally.. Take love one day at a time. Stop looking into the future because the future will never exist when our next breath is never promised.
And just because the next few words are the most genius.. I leave you with this.
“I hope life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness. But above all of this…. I wish you…Love”