After I left work tonight, I went to see my friend Simon. I consider Simon a friend, because he and I have known each other for a very long time. Today, Simon and I had a very deep conversation about our friendship and our relationship overall..
Here’s our history, Simon and I dated for a while, we broke up due to complications in our relationship. We stayed friends though. I still love Simon as a friend. I’m really just that kind of person.
Regardless of what issues I have with any of my friends, they still hold a place in my heart and I still love and cherish them. This has been proven…
I don’t believe that it’s okay to throw away friendships or people over flaws and faults in which we have been designed to be flawed beings…
Simon and I spoke about our relationship and he made me cry, it was the first time in a long time that I actually believed what he was saying and knew that he was being genuine when he was speaking to me… My thoughts were “he actually loves me”
He asked me about school and I informed him that I had left school.. This threw him for a loop.. Every time Simon asks me about school; he always asks “how’s school? Still making those A’s?”
So hearing me say that I left school, was a surprised.. I told him the truth… This is something that I usually don’t tell people about my emotional state.. But I was honestly vulnerable tonight and I told him that I left him because I couldn’t focus on school.
“It’s hard focusing on school when I’m unhappy. I’m lonely.”
” my sister has cancer. I work so much and I barely rest. Emotionally, I’m not in a good place. I feel like my dreams are at my fingertips, but I can’t feel them. I can’t take time to focus on school if I’m worried about bills. And my family is gone and I’m lonely. I don’t have a family here. I don’t have anything steady and stable here. The only thing I have is an apartment with a live-in boyfriend who I’m not even sure if he really loves me or if he’s buying time because he feels he can’t do better.. Maybe he’s settling for less…. If I’m less.. Because that’s how he makes me feel.”
Well. At least he understood why I left school. Maybe I’m not all that certain… Loneliness is weird.. I’m sure I’ve created the state I’m in. I’m sure it’s all my fault. But even with my family, I Should be used to feeling alone when it comes to them….. Right?
I don’t know… I guess I needed to write these things down…