The thoughts I’m fighting

Hey Zofties,

So I’m having a “trapped in my head” moment. Today, Darell emailed me a video and it grossed me out completely. So much to the point that my co-worker Daisy had comfort me after watching it. I’m not mad at Darell for it. Because he doesn’t know the seriousness of my OCD and my triggers. So I will explain it… In ways to help you guys understand..

First, let me remind you that I am already going through Zozo withdrawal. So I’m already feeling the side effects. But after I had seen the video, I was feeling dizzy and had bad nausea the rest of the day… Actually, I’m still sick and I couldn’t eat…

Here we go!
I have OCD/bipolar disorder. I am lucky to not have the compulsive behaviors that some people have. Although, I do have some compulsive issues… It has taken over my life.. My biggest issue stems from the triggers and Ruminations (compulsive thoughts and worried in the mind)
These thoughts can get troubling. For some, it can get depressing.. It can make some sick… It can cause some to kill themselves…

The video was my trigger.. After the video, I felt sick. I got dizzy. I had to vomit. And then the thoughts started.. I will not go into the image in the video, but I will say that it made me feel very unclean. The thoughts made me believe that the issue in the video was my issue. I felt disgusting. When I got home I couldn’t eat. I showered for almost two hours. I still feel dirty and disgusting… Then I had a panic attack… I popped a Xanax. I only take Xanax when I really need it. Right now, my skin feels like something is crawling all over it. So I’m going to shower again..

J

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