My Private Hell, and sorta Good life.

Hey Zofties,

The post from earlier basically showed how vulnerable I am at the moment…
Here’s some truth for you..

I haven’t really showered in about a week.. Actually, Russell made me shower last night. I haven’t been in the best mindset, something that I find a bit disturbing… I’ve become a source of strength for so many, but I will admit that this week I needed a shoulder to lean on.
Imagine if you will…

It’s 6 in the morning in the cozy and multicultural Jersey City Heights area.. The sun is peaking out from the clouds and the birds are singing to one another. The streets are becoming pretty busy with the hustle of the morning traffic.
Inside my fourth floor apartment, I am in bed with Russell, while SugarPie (my kitten) is on my stomach purring. We are all sleeping until the alarm clock sounds… I wake up and see Russell pop his body out of bed. I look at him and say,
“I’m not dead yet?” Then turn over and yell “oh boy!”
Imagine for a second that this was your life.. I sometimes feel bad for Russell because he has to wake up some days and figure out which Justice he’s waking up to. Russell is a pro… He takes it in stride and keeps moving. However, the past week found me dealing with some issues I didn’t think I would be confronted with. For a moment we will forget about my family and that crazy shit.. But I had to realize that I still had no real clue what was going on between Christina and me..

I’ve been stressed with work and school.. I had to come to the conclusion that I’m probably going to fail out of college, something that I wasn’t prepared to give up on. But I have to realize that my head isn’t in it right now.. I cannot focus on schoolwork when I don’t have time to study or clear my head. I’ve found that the smallest things are giving me trouble. Before, I could write a paper within an hour.. Now, I can barely read one sentence in an hour. It’s really bad, my focus in non-existent. I honestly believe that I need some type of help..
But working a full time job with no time to study isn’t helping me at all. I’ve been so stressed with work and school that my face broke out this week.. I had the nastiest craters in my face.. It was embarrassing. (I’m known for having flawless skin and perfect eyebrows) this week I was a normal looking person. So it wasn’t a surprise to me when I fell into a deeper depression and refused to shower for six days..

There were some highlights this week, but they were overshadowed by the thought that I’m a huge fraud. (How am I a fraud?) Imagine being the source of knowledge and hope for some people and giving them advice and hope, but inside you are struggling to feel good about yourself.
And THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IS COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING A SHOULDER FOR OTHERS…. However, I felt bad giving advice and being depressed myself.. (That makes me human)
Granted, I know now that it made me human and that we all have our bad days….
I don’t think I have a reason to complain.. I have a job (the pay sucks)
I have a place to live (for now)
I have a boyfriend who loves me (for now) and I have an annoying cat who loves to sleep on me every night (who I would love to turn into wonton soup)
I’ve come so far from being that skinny, jobless, homeless boy who felt like his family didn’t love him and couldn’t get anyone else to love him… Actually, my story (on paper) looks impossible. Statistically, I should be an addict.. Statistically, I should be like many of the gay men I know or knew who sold their bodies to survive… Statistically, I should be dead… BUT, I’m living a life that some people dream of. I still struggle. I still have bills that I sometimes have trouble paying, but I am doing very well for myself. So why am I sad?

(There’s nothing more depressing; than having everything and still feeling sad) SHUT THE FUCK UP JANET JACKSON…

Anyway, I am still a work in progress!!
This weekend, I couldn’t get out of bed. Saturday, I skipped school and stayed in bed drinking wine and studied… Russell stayed in bed with me and we planned our move to Harlem. We thought about keeping our apartment in Jersey and also having a place in Harlem, or Brooklyn.. Russell just started a position at Callen-Lorde and their dentistry department.. Next year, he will be at St. Barnabas Hospital. So we’ve been preparing and trying to figure out our move. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to focus on finishing my book. I’ve wanted to shop it to publishers instead of self-publishing.. As of now, I’ve been doing great with networking to the point that I have set up three different forms of great publicity ventures.. I’m making strides in my career as a writer. Things are happening slowly and I feel blessed.. I just have to be patient to receive this..

Thank God that I am happy enough to see the good things I have going for myself.. Thank God that I’m able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the walk towards that light is slower than usual, but you still make it through.

Zozo kisses.πŸ’‹… And Wellbs kisses tooπŸ‘„ for Darell… Because…. Well… He’s on Wellbutrin…. Check out his blog
I’m so proud of his strength to share his journey!!!!


One Comment Add yours

  1. Darell Grant says:

    Kisses to you as well. You are definitely not a fraud, not in my book anyway. I think its a good idea to shop ur book to publishing houses younever know! Dont give up


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