Depression Never Felt so sad’

Hey Zofties,

Let’s get this straight… Yes, I have been out of school and work for a while due to the concussion. The doctor told me to rest and take it easy, so I have been. I feel well-rested on a way. My skin looks amazing. Zoloft has been really good to me… I don’t experience the side effects anymore, other than the yawning and exhaustion. The foggy felling is gone. I do still experience the Mania and the sex craves.. I am really indecisive. My thoughts are really weird. I’ve also been taking things a little lighter…

For example, Christina and I decided not to be friends anymore. I didn’t argue with her, at the end of the day I had her back and believed I made the right decision when it comes to a certain situation. However, when the decision was made, I didn’t fight it. I let it go. I didn’t cry or get angry… Instead, I went and got some coffee… That’s it. Last night, I experienced a full on emotional breakdown…. Usually, on Zoloft, you lose the ability to cry.. (lil Heifer say huh?) yes, You heard me correctly. On ZOLOFT you cannot produce tears to cry.. (Oh no she didn’t!)
Yea I did!!!! (I love how I’m talking to myself within a blog post. Wow) tick tick boom!!! (Hey Darell)

Getting back to the story, because I got off topic… I cried last night.. It was weird. I felt like Cameron Diaz in “The Holiday” I seriously started crying and I had gotten confused as to how I was crying. I wiped my eyes and looked at the tears on my finger tips.. And yelled, “yay, I’m crying! I have tears!” Russell looked confused that I was happy that I felt some sort of pain. Then 30 seconds into being happy, I started crying again… I was a huge mess last night.

After Christina and I made the decision not to talk, I went to the library and I was finally able to write a paper.. I had really bad writers block for a long time. For once, I was able to hear my own thoughts. I didn’t hear the thoughts that had been programmed into me from someone else.. I heard my own voice finally.. I cannot begin to describe how that feels. I was finally thinking clearly and it felt so good..

Russell said that it was built up frustration and that I was crying because I needed to cry. The situation with my mother, sister, Christina, Russell, work, school, and then the concussion. It was just too much to take and I finally broke down. Any other time I’m like, “I’m feeling something, but it won’t come out.” Then I try to focus real hard on the feeling to see if I can cry it out. When the crying doesn’t happen, I move on. Or sometimes, I focus on someone else… Like Dave! I love Dave, by the way. He’s so cute and funny.. Obviously, my love for him doesn’t go pass friendship. But, I would try to focus on his issues instead of my own.

On Zoloft, I kinda feel the same way I had felt with Celexa… I miss crying…I miss feeling emotions sometimes. I know that Russell is mad at me and that makes me hurt so bad because I never want to hurt him…. But I don’t FEEL it.. Logically, I know that I don’t want to hurt him, because I felt that way months before I started taking the Zoloft. Another thing I hate about zoloft is the mixed up feelings. When I’m sad, it comes off as I’m angry.. And when I’m happy, it looks like I’m on drugs because the effect is heightened! I feel like a bad actor… Anyway, I’m headed to work late.. I had to get another note from my doctor. However, they had a power outage and didn’t open today,. So I’m headed to work late… I’m so thirsty! I want a slushy!!! Lol!

One more thing, I’m claustrophobic… I found that out the hard way…. Next post we will talk about it!

I will check in with you guys later
Love and Zozo kisses

J❤️

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