It’s been a few days but I’ve been trying to take it easy for a few reasons… One of the reasons being that I suffered a concussion after falling in TaeKwon-Do class. So I was trying not to work so hard. So I can’t go back to work until Wednesday… Yea.. I know..
I don’t know if you guys ever get tired of me writing about how sad or angry I am. I would think that it gets kind of old. However, this is a blog chronicling my battle with depression…. So, yea. Here’s how I’m feeling. Today, if I could cry I would. Seriously, I want to cry but I can’t find it in my body to muster up the tears I need to cry. (I guess I should start writing about what’s going on.. )
First, One of my friends and I aren’t speaking.. I guess it’s obvious which one I’m speaking about if u follow this blog. It goes far beyond what’s going on in their life. It’s more about how I feel I’m being treated or if I’m valued. And I don’t feel that I am. I’m tired of speaking up on it. I’m tired of talking about it.. As much as it hurts, I will be okay. I’ve gotten to the point where I have to just get over shit and keep moving.
And yes I am angry but unfortunately, I have a little more class than most people. I will not air it out in public… And I will not tell lies about this person to make myself appear better or look like a victim.. I guess that’s what sets me apart from most people (BOOM)
I was trying not to post about my relationship, but I guess I will. As much as I love my partner… I have gotten to the point where I do not feel that this is my last relationship. For reasons that I’m very sure he already knows about, at this moment… I don’t see a forever. I just see a now.. And that changes every minute. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. And I am not saying that I’m unhappy. I am saying that I do not see myself marrying Russell.
Today I seriously had one of those days where I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. I think the loneliness I feel has gotten increasingly palpable. There’s a difference between having people around you, and having friends and family around you. I’m surrounded by people not friends or family. My family is far away. Life could be so cold and lonely at times.. I wake up every day unable to understand why I feel so frustrated and empty.
Zoloft gives a momentarily happiness. When it kicks in, that’s all you feel. But when that high comes down, it comes crashing down. And all that you are left with, is your sadness. Your thoughts. Your fucked up relationship. Your fucked up friends. Your fucked up job with your fucked up co-workers. Your fucked up family members who would rather talk about you than to help you. Or the family
Members who only call your when they want something from you. You are left with never feeling good enough for anyone. Feeling unloved, unlucky, and unappreciated. Hidden… Shamed. You are left with nothing…
Until the next dosage. That next dose becomes your life. It becomes your saving grace because you need that lift.. You need that moment of happiness. You depend on being foggy and numb… You depend on being angry at times..
You want the hyper sexual side effects as an excuse to cheat on your partner.. You crave Zoloft.. But what you really crave is just to feel better.. To be happy.. Or to be able to cry..
I understand why people kill themselves on Zoloft. I understand why people kill themselves… It becomes too much. Especially when you are carrying everyone and their issues on your shoulders.. When you’ve been working forever with no rest and no break and you aren’t getting anywhere.
It becomes too much. Living with someone who cannot relate to you in any way. Feeling like you are trapped in your own body and thoughts. Being friends with someone who can never admit that they are wrong and tries to destroy your name to look like a victim.. Then justify it because she’s mad…
Life becomes too
And you think that suicide is the answer…. When you die… You can’t feel. When you die , you never have to numb yourself. When you die.. You aren’t depressed. So I get why people believe that suicide is the answer… Because… When life becomes too much to handle and too much to live through… Death is the answer.