Life and Sucide

Hey Zofties!
Tonight is a deeper post.. So if you can bare it, relax and read…
I woke up this morning very angry, very sad.. Actually, part of me didn’t want to wake up at all.. Actually, part of me wish I had the nerve to commit suicide.. Yea! I said it.. FINALLY!!! I’m not perfect! I thought about it. I was late to work today. It has become increasingly hard to get out of bed in the morning, to go to work and look these people in the face. These people… The same people who started my need to be on meds in the first place… I must admit, I am very unhappy with work.. But I love to work… Lately, it’s been really hard to get up and go to work.. This week, there’s no Darryl ( my boss) to say something stupid to make me laugh.. So I’m just there the whole day replaying his stupid jokes in my head to get me through the day…

But at my desk, I was watching YouTube and a Fred Hammond song came on…. Before I finish this, know this… I am NOT religious. I grew up in church and I sung in a choir. I’ve sung back-up for a gospel artist before.. But I am more of a spiritual person.. Gospel Music is still one of my favorites genres.. Fred Hammond is my favorite gospel singer. Anyway!!!
The song “Lord How I love you” came on… One of my favorite songs… It took me back…

Are you guys ready to go back in time with me????
WARNING!!!!! This might hurt…

Summer 2012.

I was sitting in the big chair of my sisters living room. I was watching television when my 4 year old niece Keyarra came in the room and noticed that I was sad. She crawled in my lap and put my face in between her tiny hands and asked…

“you crying? You sad?” She waited for a second. “What’s wrong?” I didn’t want to tell my niece that her uncle had a broken heart…it didn’t matter.. She looked at me and said, “life is short! Stop crying” and got up and ran her little cute ass in the room with her mother..

I laughed for a little bit.. Then I went into my niece room.. I played my iPod and thought of all the ways I could end my life at that moment .. Every single way seemed like the way out.. The only thing that could stop me, is someone stopping me.. So, there. I was.. I had some sleeping pills that my doctor had previously prescribed for me. I looked at the wall.. The posters of princesses and stars were all over Keyarra’s room. Lying on the bed.. I chose not to text anyone. But to just pray and listen to God for a while.. And then I made my peace. I was ready. Then I reached for the bottle.. Popped the top off. Just then “Song of Strength” by Fred Hammond came on.

The first few lines .

“Hold on and wait just a little while.. ”
The music played.

“what do you do
when the life you planned is shattered
and what do you say
when the one you love is gone
how do live
seems like no hope for tomorrow
pain doesnt care where you live or who you are”

I cried…. I cried like a baby. And the song continued.

“Lord you see my life is broken
and i dont know what to do
my life’s being changed, help me remain
i will count on you
when i cant see
i know you’ll guide
when i cry out
i know you feel
now I’m praying
i know you hear
I’m praying for healing
i know you heal”

Zofties… I don’t want to say that I put the pill bottle down, because I didn’t.. That’s not real life… That fiction.. I don’t write fiction..
But my niece did bust in the door…. “Can’t a boy get any privacy when he’s trying to off himself?”

And like that she was gone…. She had gotten some doll and she was gone… Then the second chorus played.

“hold on and wait just a little while
he’ll bring a song of strength in the midnight
touch our lives with your lovin’ hands
hold on
hold on”

That day is so vivid because I relive it everyday! It plays in my mind everyday..

I have this deep love for Fred Hammond, every time I think about him, I think about how his songs blessed my life in so many ways.. So when I am feeling sad and like no one loves me… I play Fred Hammond.. His voice, his lyrics save my life…
Today I woke up wishing I hadn’t. Instead of reaching for wine. I grabbed my phone and played Fred Hammond…

I don’t know why I shared that.. But something told me that someone needed to read that….

Love and Zozo kisses!!!!




One Comment Add yours

  1. Darell Grant says:

    I’m glad you’re still here! Fred Hammond is your Mariah? Something like it? I’m responding to a lot of your post, I think I’m cyber stalking you. Just a little mania tonight! But at least I’m home sober, cause…well…u know!


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