My Frustration

Hey Zofties,

I started this post the other night, but of course i was hesitant in sharing what I’m about to share…

Here it is,

Relax,

First, let’s start by saying that Zoloft is a wonderful drug. It has done its job at making me so emotionally numb and it hasn’t really affected my sex life at all. I think that it has actually enhanced it in a way. However, The only  problems that I have against Zoloft are the side effects. I have spoken about the way the side effects have affected me in diffferent areas. The headaches, the mood swings, etc. . I’m still waiting to for one side effect to subside.;  thats the growing frustration that seems to be botteled up inside of me…

I am always angry. I feel so violent and snappy now. There are times when my co-workers are just getting on my nerves and i seriously want to just kick most of them in the head. The other day, I had gotten so mad at Russell, I couldn’t look at him. My angst with Christina came up earlier this week.

A couple of weeks ago, Christina made a comment about one of her friends being the perfect influence on her son and I found it a little bit of a blow. I understand she feels that she needs a man to teach Elijah how to be a man, but I felt left out. I spend a lot of time with Elijah, to overlook me and the time I spend with Elijah, hurt my feelings. Its like saying, the things that I do for him out of love, means nothing to her. Am I pissed? Yeah! Do I want to punch her in the face and shave her hair off of her head? Yeah! There are other things that she has said and things that I’ve found out that she has said that have really made me mad. I haven’t said anything about it yet. However, my frustration is there.

I have gotten a little violent.

Sometimes at night, there is this crazy fire in the pit of my stomach and I am fighting myself not to feel it. I have to punch walls and pillows to let the fire out. Russell has to see me struggle with it a lot. He understands the torture  i go through of having so many mixed emotions.

Every morning, I wake up hating myself. As the day goes on, that hate either gets better, or it gets worst. Recently, there is no telling where it’s going. Today, I woke up angry. Not becaucse of anything Christina or Russell has done said, But because I didn’t feel comforatable in my body. Here is a secret I have kept pretty private; I have had an eating disorder for as long as I could remember. Due to the eating disorder, I have completely ripped the lining of my stomach, and I have a burned Esophagus. I have an  weird thyroid issue.  On top of that, I suffer…..(deep breath) from (deeper breath) Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). It’s not fun, I have changed my diet so many times so that I won’t have bad food reactions. Which is the main reason why I started eating as a strict vegetarian.  But there are days when I wake up so bloated that I cannot even deal with looking in the mirror. I hate the weight fluctuations. I hatet that one week, I”ve lost 5 pounds and the next week I”ve gained 10. I hate looking at my body in the mirror.

All of these things have been weighing fheavy on me for the last few weeks.  I decided to share this, because I had gotten a touching email the other day where someone shared their depression dealing with their weight. I also had a friend open up to me about his own nightmare with depression..

I started this blog to inspire and to put a face with depression. There is a stigma against people who battle their own mental health. I wanted to break that stigma by posting pictures of myself. I am “Normal!” I look “normal” and  sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes, I don’t want to live. Sometimes, I punish myself. But I wanted to let others know, that they aren’t alone. There have been so people who have felt so alone in their battle with depression that they take their own lives. I never understood why i cared or why it would hurt me when I see things like that on the news. But I always feel like I am responsible with saving a life. The truth is, WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE WITH SAVING A LIFE. Whether or not you choose to accept the responsibility is all up to you. I always wonder what could have happened if I never Picked up my phone when a friend was in trouble. That would kill my conscious.

Anyway, Zofties. I wanted to share that with you guys real quick!!!

 

luv and Zozo kisses

 

j

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