That Saturday morning I was exhausted and I had a crazy headache. I had been having really bad headaches for the past week or so. I couldn’t shake the headache no matter what I took for it! That morning, I was late for my Taekwondo class… I’m so in love with that class… I’ve loss so much weight and my class mates are losing weight fast as well… The thing I love the most about our class is the support we all have for one another. We are a team, if someone is lacking in an area, we all help that person.. On our breaks, the class stayed and practiced working on our form.. There is this one black kid on my class who lacks coordination in every way, but we all help him out. I guess I’m taking so much away from this class about teamwork…

I was leaving class that day when I finally checked my messages on my phone. I had a few voice mails and texts. One from a former friend Marlon. Marlon said that he was falling apart and that he couldn’t keep it together. I asked him what was wrong with him and that when I found out…. I hadn’t logged on to Facebook to see the news flashing everywhere on my news feed!

“Tais is dead!” His text was clear!!!!
“Wait…… What? How? When?” I replied back. Marlon called me.. He gave me the story and my thoughts went rapid… Tais was an old friend of ours. No one knew he was sick at all. I tried to think about the last time I had spoke to Tais… It had to be about a year ago. He sent me a message online and we held a conversation and I wished him well.

“Does Timmy know?” I asked Marlon.
“I don’t know and I don’t want him to find out on Facebook!” I hadn’t seen Timmy since I had moved out of his place. I stayed with Tim some time last summer for a month or so until I found my apartment.
“I’m headed to his house now!” I said hoping that there wasn’t an awkward moment between us…

When I had gotten to Timmy’s house, he was naked!!!! As always! Tim is a nudist. He hates clothes, but I’m so used to seeing his dick.. I’m so numb to it! I sat down and talked to Tim about Tais and his death. Tim was still in shock.. Tais and Tim dated for a long time and I know that after they broke up, they stayed friends. Tim was obviously heartbroken.. He and I sat around and took shots of Paul Mason until it was time for me to make my way home finally around 5pm

When i got home, I shook off my chaotic day and sat on my bed…. Minutes later, Russell was pulling at my clothes so that I could get comfortable. He then, tucked me in and I was sleep until 10 pm…

When I woke up, Russell had a glass of wine waiting for me… I took a few sips, not a lot, because I had to take my dose of Zoloft. Russell and I talked for most of the night about my sister.

Sunday morning, well afternoon, I woke up and messaged Timmy to see if he wanted to go jogging with me.. We met at Lincoln Park, in Jersey City, NJ.
We ran. And I got a chance to meet one of Timmys friends…

Timmy walked me to a side of Lincoln Park where no one really goes and introduced me to a homeless person named Freddy* Freddy had been living out in Lincoln Park for about 10 years. He’s older and gay.. Freddy said that he receives a check from the government every month and was well taken care of… And it showed. In his section of the park, he had a nice tent, bed, blankets and grill. He was making ribs and drinking beer. He even had three kittens. Tim and I sat and talked to Freddy for a while. I was really happy to know that he didn’t feel like a victim in his situation. He said, that he could have a place to live, but he would rather live on the street because it’s cheaper! Tim had brought food and drinks for Freddy. Not too long after we sat and talked to Freddy,Tim and I left.

Seeing Tim hanging out with this guy and bringing food actually made me cry.

A lot of people don’t know this but, I was homeless for years and never said anything to anyone about it. I was always afraid of what people would say or what people would think about me. I was homeless at a time where no one really cared that much about me. The three people who actually loved me; couldn’t do anything to help me.
Then one day, I met Russell…. I will go through the details of this some other time…. Getting back to my weekend.

My cousin Amirah, picked Tim and I up from the park. We went to get something to eat. Tim and I had worked up an appetite after running all over the park… By the way, Lincoln park is HUGE!!! Amirah, Tim and I hadn’t hung out together since high school! That was almost 15 years ago! But it was great to spend time with them last night….

Later that night, I was in bed with Russell, we were watching Oprah: Where Are They Now. I never really cared for Oprah, but I told him I will try to make an effort to watch her show.  I turned to Russell and I asked him, “how is being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from depression?” He and I had been talking all night about our relationship and the place we are now a year and a half later.  Up until that moment I never asked him how he felt about what was going on inside of my body.

“It’s not easy and it’s not that hard.. Sometimes, it can get hard” he responded. “there are times where everything is going great and you are still sad.” Russell said. ” But I know exactly why and that you will be back to yourself, but there are times when I am scared.”

He mentioned that I am now more detached from things after being On Zoloft. Emotionally, I am numb.. There’s emotion here, but I barely show it. I am numb to sex, I am numb to people around me.
The loneliness I used to feel has passed and now I rather much be left alone..
“The hardest is watching you worry about your sister!”
Then he said, “if I have to give you up so that you can be with your sister at this time, that’s fine! I understand. You will always have a place here!” Russell started to open up about his childhood and his family… We had a long talk. That lasted until 2 am.

Needless to say, Russell and I finally had sex last night!
It wasn’t because of what he said, but because I knew that he meant what he said. It was the only time that he’s actually opened up to me about his feelings and about his life. I felt like I was actually getting to know him. That meant a lot to me after a year and a half!!!!

That night I had the weirdest dream… Which is not unusual on Zoloft.. You start to get used to the weird dreams. But this one, was of Russell and I on the subway, pushing a baby stroller… When suddenly, someone pushed him in front on the tracks as the train was coming… I got on my knees to save Russell telling him to grab my hand some that I can pull him up onto the platform.. When Russell was making his way up to the platform, the train hit him and then stopped . I ran to his side and cried begging him not to leave me… But it was too late, Russell was dead and I cried there on my knees holding his lifeless body… I woke up from my dream and seen Russell sound asleep. I pulled him closer to me and kissed him on the cheek and went back to sleep….

I never asked any of my friends how me being on Zoloft has effected them.. So, in the next entry, I will post their responses.



2 Comments Add yours

  1. Darell Grant says:

    So you definitely had a mixed weekend, emotionally anyway! I’m happy that you and Russy connected on a deeper level, that’s beautiful. I love love! The loss of Tais is saddening, whenever someone younger than u passes, it kinda puts things into perspective!
    Keep blogging JM!!! And stop drinking so damn much lol


    1. Lmao! I don’t drink that much!

      Liked by 1 person

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