My post tonight was supposed to be about me feeling ugly. Instead, it is an excerpt from my upcoming book. I’m writing a book dedicated to my sister about my life and our upbringing. My sister is my best friend. Regardless of anything we have been through, i know that my sister loves me more than anything in this world. Her love has been fully unconditional. There are times, when I have nightmares about her not being on this earth anymore. I have had dreams where I have committed suicide just to be with my sister again. but here is an excerpt….
“There’s a funny story about my sister’s birth. When I was about 2 years old, my mother asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
“I want a dister.” I would say. I obviously couldn’t really say sister. I had to have been really serious about it, because I used to go around telling people that my mother was pregnant with my dister. Months passed and my mother eventually found out that she was pregnant and I was overjoyed. “Yay, my dister is coming.” I would jump up and down yelling…
When my sister Denisha was born on February 14, 1989 I was enamored. I was happy that she was finally here. She was a piece of work though; however she was my piece of work. Denisha will admit that I spoiled her. I would give her everything that she had ever wanted or cried for. She never heard me say no.
As Denisha and I got older, we got closer. I adore my little sister. I have never met anyone stronger than her. I think that I might have met her in another life. Or probably right before we were both sent to this earth. Denisha and I have always had this weird connection. We knew each others thoughts. We communicated on a different level. We could talk to each other while we were both sleeping. We shared a special bond and we both lived in the same hell as kids. “
I’ve always believed that Denisha and I knew each other in another life. I’m sure of it.
My sister has cancer. There are times when I feel like I’m so helpless and worthless because I can’t do anything to help her. Part of me feels like all of this is all my fault because I begged and prayed for her to be here. Actually, I believe that the bad luck she’s had, was my fault because I wanted her here. I’m her big brother, I was supposed to protect her. I haven’t done my job. I feel like shit when she tells me that she is in pain and there is nothing that I can do to take the pain away. There is a guilt that comes with this “older brother thing.” I want so much for her, but I have not been able to give it to her. She is so young. She hasn’t really been able to live and know what true happiness is. This is where most of my depression comes from. Wherever in the world she might be, I hope she knows that I’m sorry and that I wish that there was more that I could do…