The Show Must Go On

meDo you remember that Pink song, “Don’t Let Me Get Me?” Well that’s practically what it feels like to live inside of my head. Except for, L.A telling me that I’d be a pop star and being compared to Britney Spears. If this was anytime before 2008, being compared to Britney Spears wouldn’t have been a bad thing.
Some people fall victim to the thoughts in their heads. I am no different. There are times when I am literally hoping to wake up as someone else. I would love to know what it may feel like to be normal. I’m not even sure what NORMAL is. Maybe NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T HEAR VOICES or have compulsive behavior. Normal people don’t internally PUNISH themselves for saying the wrong answer in class or making someone mad. Normal people don’t argue with their thoughts and sing out loud to avoid their thoughts.
I wonder how it might feel to actually NOT THINK. That’s never going to happen…
Last week, I went out to brunch with my friend…. For the sake of the blog let’s name him David…. Okay, that’s not creative… David is his real name… So his new name is Dave… That’s mysterious enough!!
Dave and I went to brunch at the Westin in Jersey City, NJ. We sat outside at Fire Oak. I ordered unlimited Mimosas and a salad. He had a burger and mimosas (I don’t drink alone… IN PUBLIC).
We talked about life, his partner, my partner. My job and his job. I was my bubbly self. I would have lots of energy and lots of jokes. And he said, “How are you depressed? You’re always bubbly.” We both laughed. And I responded.
“I only cry my eyes out in the shower.” I laughed making light of the truth.
My life had become a veil of the sadness I was always covering up. I could have a hosting function and be the life of the pasty. However; few might know that five minutes before hitting a stage, I am having a panic attack or nervous breakdown. I remember a message Tyra Allure Ross sent me once. She said, “This is show business, never let them see you sweat.” In so many ways, the show must go on. But far after I gave up the life of wanting to perform for others, I have kept the mentality that the “show must go on.”

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